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Sigh. A sign of discontent


Invisible Princess

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18/10/16

I can't stand my own complaining anymore. I'm sick of the, "I'm tired", "I've had enough", or the "I'm done with". I just want everything to start making sense, to feel like I'm making progress towards university, towards anything. 

I really want to talk to someone. Really. I do. But there's something inside of me that won't let me. The voice that narrates my life, the one that says "You're not good enough", "There's nothing 'wrong' with you. You're just useless". The word 'You' goes from being an almost meaningless pronoun, to loaded with such negative connotations. Except I'm the only one that sees them.

Everything is starting to ache, I'm not sure if its just because I'm physically ill, or because my mind is starting to slow down. Slowing to such a pace that I don't want to do anything anymore. I have no motivation for work, revision, attempts to understand. Despite the fact that's all I really want. To understand my work, but also to understand something with a little more importance. Me.

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Hi Invisible Princess Like you I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I can't stand myself sometimes. And it's so hard for me to talk to anyone face to face about my life, mostly I can't talk about the abuse I endured as a little boy. And the things that my dad said to me that belittled me, your a mistake, your worthless and your good for nothing. I know that he instilled in me a sense of self hatred, unworthiness and that everything in some way is and always has been my fault. I am so sick of all the negative reinforcements I give myself. All of my life not a whole lot has made any sense to me. Why did I have to be molested at 9, why did I have to get a muscle destroying decease (CMT), why did I have to go blind at 12, but most of all why did I and still do have to suffer from this horrible depression?? Also to this day I am trying to understand myself and what it was all for. I really hope that you can get some clarity in your life about yourself and also be able to talk to someone. I wish you the best...Be Good to Yourself...

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