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I`m Not Happy And I`m Not Sad

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Lady Mozzer

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I feel really exhausted tonight but I don`t know why.All I did today was go to the pdoc.He asked me how I was doing today and I said I was okay like I always do.He then asked me if I was really okay or if I was still depressed.I said yes that I was still depressed.He said I can tell you look down.He also told me I looked lifeless.That`s really the way I feel a great deal of the time.Like I`ve said before on these forums.I feel blank,empty and numb.Sometimes I can`t describe how I feel.It`s like I can`t feel anything happy or sad or excited.I feel like a shell of a person.I have no motivation and nothing or very little makes me happy.I guess that`s why in the past I used to hurt myself.I saw the result and it proved I was really alive.It also turned down all the awful thoughts of dread and doom going on inside of my head.I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like without this illness.Would I be married like my sisters and have wonderful children like they do.I know their lives aren`t perfect either they also have been through stuff.My pdoc told me most of his clients aren`t married.He asked me if I thought I wasn`t married because of my illness.I told him yes that I thought that was true.It`s also probably because of my very low self esteem.I `ve never ever thought that I was good enough for anybody so I never even tried to meet anyone.I guess it doesn`t matter because I`m pretty shy anyway.I think it`s too late to find someone now.I don`t know if it would cure my loneliness anyway.At least I have my family.I know some people don`t even have that.I never asked to rich or famous all I`ve ever wanted was to be comfortable and happy and maybe have someone to love.I don`t want to sound bitter or anything but I think this thing has stolen all that for me.I feel quite hopeless at times but  sometimes I catch a little glimpse of it of it and say maybe.But the moment is fleeting.I just want more from this life.I want happiness and I want to feel like I make a difference in this world.I want to matter.

 

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                     I`m not happy and I`m not sad

                          ~The Smiths~

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You don't sound bitter at all.  You do matter, and you're one of the kindest most ernest people I know here.  And its never really too late for connection- we're human and we need to be loved, right?  You are special and your family are lucky to have you at their side.  Hang in there, my friend! 

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On 9/30/2016 at 11:38 PM, TopekaK said:

You don't sound bitter at all.  You do matter, and you're one of the kindest most ernest people I know here.  And its never really too late for connection- we're human and we need to be loved, right?  You are special and your family are lucky to have you at their side.  Hang in there, my friend! 

Thank you so much for saying that TopekaK. I really appreciate that.  :)  :)

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1 hour ago, Lady Mozzer said:

Thank you so much for saying that TopekaK. I really appreciate that.  :)  :)

You're very welcome!  It's the truth.  :)

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