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Missing

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evalynn

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It's raining, and the rain always seems to breed nostalgia. (I might have stolen that sentiment from a Pablo Neruda poem but I'm too lazy to check. Either way, it feels true.)

I'm thinking about all the things I miss.

I miss my old therapist. The last therapist I had, the best one. I felt comfortable with her, and I told her things I've never told anyone. If I had been able to have more sessions with her, I probably would have told her a lot more. In my last session when she told me she couldn't see me anymore, I cried. It still makes me feel like crying.

I miss my old mother. The one who always had her nose in a book, who laughed a lot, who loved to go walking at the beach or the park with me. She's now a shell of her former self. It's like watching someone vanish in slow motion.

I miss having a home. I used to have a home, in Connecticut. Now I've been living in Florida for ten years  in two different cities, and neither feels like home. I don't even think I want them to. I'm just...here.

I miss my childhood, for lots of reasons, and I miss my 20s. I wish I had tried more things in my 20s: died my hair a crazy color, went out and tried things that I was scared of or that I feared I'd be judged for. Now I'm in my 30s and I feel like I missed the chance to be experimental and carefree and get away with it.

I miss my hope that one day things will be better. That I can still accomplish my dreams and have a comfortable life.

And now I'm wondering which of the things that I have now will be the ones I'll miss in the future.

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Oh, one more. I miss my yoga instructor. She was always smiling and laughing, so serene and calm and joyful. Her classes were the best. I would feel so serene by the end of her guided meditations. She moved away to be closer to her grandkids, which I coudn't possibly blame her for, but that doesn't make me any sadder that no one else compares.

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Do it!!

I could have posted pretty much everything you did. Except its my Dad i miss.

And my regular doctor...i went in to see her about my meds before my psychiatrist days. When i asked for her at her office the receptionist said she had retired. I burst into tears.

She was the one who understood me best. She saw me through my rough times at the last bank i worked for...management triggered me to levels i cant describe...anyway i used to go see her on my lunch breaks. And she was amaxing. I should have seen it coming since she was a snowbird.

You know what? About the youth thing...i get that too...colour your hair crazy now. Who cares? I bet it would look awesome! Ive considered going pink and im 43.

Do it girl do it!

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