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Wanting the Deepest, True Love of my Life



I've dated plenty and have had plenty of relationships. At this stage in my life and at the age of 45, I am ready to find that truly special someone to be with for the rest of my life. I'm tired of just perpetually "dating". I've come close to marriage several times, I've talked about marriage with many partners, and was even engaged once briefly, but no one "fit the bill". It was never completely right for lifelong, and I knew it somewhere inside me that it wouldn't last. Plus, I am very free-spirited and independent and never really wanted children, or not children of my own at least. I always wanted to adopt and not pass along my own genes. The kids thing will certainly lessen the number of potential partners. And one partner told me I was too independent for him. Well, he clearly was wrong for me. I need someone who values and likes that about me---someone who is independent himself, too.

Yet as independent or as free-spirited as I am, I truly enjoy and like partnership and prefer partnership over being alone. I am a Libra and Libras LOVE to love. I am very true to my birth sign. But after experiencing all that was lacking in my last relationship, I am craving long-lasting true, deep love & partnership. We didn't connect deeply. We connected superficially in terms of music tastes, drinking, going out, having fun, and travel. Otherwise, we did not have a deeper connection on the most important levels---spiritually, emotionally, or intellectually, which is what I really want. We were basically just friends and good buddies and that's it.

But to find that kind of deep connection is so very rare and so very precious. It has happened only a few times for me where it's been particularly potent on a soul level. Those people do not come around often, at least not in my experience, and I have met loads of men in my life. I want a spiritual love -- the kind that sweeps you off your feet most powerfully, gets you excited and worked up and all happy and giddy inside because you found someone you really connect with... the kind of love where you can't stop thinking about the person even if you tried.. where you just want to give of yourself entirely in mind, body and soul... and when you kiss most passionately and deeply, you get completely lost in the moment, you are one with the person's entire soul, you forget where you are, your feet are lifted above the ground, and you find yourself in a complete daze afterwards. The kind of love that makes your heart beat faster when just thinking about seeing the person and where you would give the shirt off you back in their time of need and do anything and everything for that person. I did not have that with my ex. I never felt butterflies or excitement or that level of desire, only more blase contentment, which worked for me at the time. And he was a horrible kisser to boot. Kissing is so very important to me as is physical chemistry, yet I never felt that level of physical or spiritual oneness with my ex. And when I have found that so very rare and precious connection, I have fallen really hard and really fast, and it's been hard to forget.

Will that most special person ever come along for me again for the long-term? The few special ones I've connected with on this level haven't worked out because of bigger obstacles in the way, which has been soul shattering for me and some of the hardest heartbreaks to get over. Love has been very cruel to me. Whenever I have thought I have found "the one", the few times that i have, that love has been cruelly snatched away from me due to circumstances beyond my control. Maybe I am just very unlucky with love. I do not know. I could be dating for the next year or years and not find that kind of connection, and I am well aware of this reality, which saddens me. But I am truly ready to be madly, most passionately, most ardently, wildly and deeply in love and have it last. Or, I could end up alone, which saddens me too, but I could handle it if that's my fate. I could fill my life up with friends, activities, and fun times, and be content or satisfied enough. And I know this. But it's not what I want. I am very much a Libra and belong in a relationship, more than being alone --- a relationship that enhances my life and makes it that much richer and full. I feel my life is pretty full right now already, even though some things are lacking, like living on my own and having my own apartment. But aside from that, I have loads of friends and lots to do to keep me busy. Now I just need that very special someone who is my other half to complete it for the long haul. As Charlotte on Sex in the City said "I've been dating for decades! Where is he??" LOL.





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