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I hate my life.

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evalynn

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I hate my life.

Maybe I'm just not grateful enough. Unlike others in the world, I'm not homeless. I'm not living in a war-torn country. I'm not a victim of abuse or addiction. I have food and clean water and even TV, internet access, a car and a cell phone. I have a husband and a cute puppy and parents and sisters. 

And yet I still hate my life.

Nothing about it is satisfying to me. I can be "content" when things are particularly going my way--but it's like a fleeting contentment over things that really don't matter. Or it's relief that something terrible was avoided...but once that terror has been forgotten, I'm back to being nonchalant over everything I have.

Sometimes I convince myself that once I reach a certain milestone, I'll achieve happiness. When I was little, I thought I'd be happy by the time I was an adult and "making my own decisions". I'm an adult now--in my 30s--and now I'm hoping by middle age I'll somehow stop caring about what other people think or what I don't have. Ha

What problems were solved by my recent marriage were replaced with a  whole new set. At least I'm smart enough (now!) to realize that I should never have children. Doesn't keep me from feeling a tugging in my proverbial womb everytime I'm around a beautiful baby. Fortunately, that's been overshadowed by the litany of reasons I've committed to memory about why my husband and I have no business having one. The result is that I'm simply bitter about the whole thing.

I honestly wish I could run away from my life. As if such a thing is possible. I have no way to even attempt that, except in my dreams. And if I'm going to dream for that, I might as well wish for a time machine to start over from the beginning but with whatever wisdom I've gathered thus far. Bar that actually happening... I don't even know. I just feel trapped in this negative spiral.

 

 

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I fear homelessness. We should take appreciation of the things we have, sometimes. It reminds us why we are here. What matters, however, is you. Be glad that you're still here, because I'm here for you. Always.

Edited by Corbin

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