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Child of a Narcissistic Father


RiverLight

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My father was/is narcissistic. No wonder I've been involved with so many narcissists! I am now seeing how much damage this did to me internally and externally. I am used to or was used to not getting my emotional needs met. I have been used to bowing down to the narcissist's self-centered behavior, i.e. my father's and other narcissists in my life. I am using to my needs being neglected, or even criticized. To this day, my father still criticizes me when I have an emotional need. He cannot be there for me very often when I am emotionally upset. It is intolerable to him so he denies me the support I seek. He denies me of validation for how I am feeling. I now see that I have been with men who pretend to support me, yet really there's ulterior motives behind it all, pointing only to them and what they need. Their support of me was fake and only truly served their own needs --- to make me more dependent on them and less likely to leave.

I am now taking care of my own needs after my breakup and am looking out for number one -- ME! In a selfishly healthy way after abuse. And it feels seriously foreign to me, but I know it is healthy. I now realize where my guilt for hurting my narcissistic boyfriend came from. It's because I am used to putting others' emotional needs before my own, to my own sacrifice and detriment, and particularly a male narcissistic partner who tries to instill that guilt. So this is all new to me... to focus on my own needs, my own healing process, and to not think about my significant other anymore. I have never done this before. I've always dwelled on past relationships and for far too long afterwards, particularly abusive ones, wondering how they're feeling towards me, who they're with and what they're doing after we've broken up. I feel that is really unhealthy. As I wrote in my blog entry, Who Cares, who really cares what they're doing, how they're feeling and how they even feel about me after the breakup. I need to tend to my own wounds and healing. I need to be with people who truly care about me, and surround myself with positive people who support me fully in order to recover.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and recovery from narcissism. I will do some more reading on this for my own growth, healing and personal understanding. Here's to healing and recovery from narcissism!


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