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I don't feel like trying.

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evalynn

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An hour ago, I was in a rare but oddly good mood. An optismistic mood where I was contemplating getting things done. Now that's fading and I'm back to my tired, lethargic, pessimistic state. My "normal" state. I feel really down. Feeling like this after a short spell of happiness is somehow even worse.

I guess I'm not really sick of being anxious and depressed or I'd try harder to not be. I don't really try. I'm currently not on meds nor seeing a pdoc like I'm supposed to be. I don't believe anyone or any medication can help me. I feel that going through the same trial and error over and over will just make me feel worse in the end. Or maybe I'm just too lazy. I don't want to look up a new pdoc, make a call, find their office and go to the appointment. I don't want to hope I like and feel comfortable with the new doc, and that she/he can give me something that actually helps. I don't want to find a therapist only to find out my insurance won't cover it or that I don't feel at ease with them enough to open up. I had a therapist not too long ago who was the best one I ever had. Then they told her that she could only work with a certain clientele that didn't include me, and it was a sudden and heartbreaking goodbye. I dont' want to go looking for someone else that I'll like as much as her when I know it's impossible.

I also don't want to confide in my loved ones because I dont' want to be vulnerable and I don't want to be disappointed when they don't understand or don't have the "right" words that make me feel comfortable with confiding. I don't want to try to lose weight again when I tried harder at that than I have at pretty much anything in my life and I gained it all back in like a year's time (and it took more than a year to lose it!). I dont' want to give up food when it's one of my only joys in life. I don't want to work out on a regular basis when I'm out of shape again and I  hate working out and often I feel so tired and sore or too anxious to leave the house to go to the gym. 

I don't want to try to get my husband to understand the things about me that I know he won't. I dont' want to be disappointed again when he doesn't get it. But I don't want to leave because there's no where else I want to be anyway. I dont' want him to leave me, but I'm not happy here. I want things to change without me having to figure out how to make them change. If they can change. I hope I can't just be happy without anything changing.

I wish I knew how to stop random memories from popping into my head that make me angry, sad, embaressed, ashamed, or otherwise upset. I wish I could stop obsessing over them. I also wish I didn't worry about everything obsessively, as if the worrying itself can do something to make it better. I wish I could truly convince myself that it doesn't.

I wish I liked and respected myself. I don't believe anyone else would if they knew everything about me. I feel like I have to hide myself from others, so that they don't see who I really am. It doesn't seem to be something I'll ever outgrow, so I fear I'll feel this way my whole life.

I just don't know what to do. And so I don't feel like doing anything.

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You want to know something? This is maybe one of the best pieces of writing on depression I've ever read. Even if I didn't have it myself (I do! Man, I read this, and you could have been writing about me, not you), I'd be able to know exactly how it feels just from reading this. It really sucks that you're going through this, I totally understand. But I think you have a real gift for communicating your thoughts and feelings to other people in a way that's easy to understand and empathize with. I'm sure this sort of comment was the last thing you were looking for, but I'm really impressed with the level of your writing. It hit me on an emotional level.

Edited by carter_burn1

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8 hours ago, carter_burn1 said:

You want to know something? This is maybe one of the best pieces of writing on depression I've ever read. Even if I didn't have it myself (I do! Man, I read this, and you could have been writing about me, not you), I'd be able to know exactly how it feels just from reading this. It really sucks that you're going through this, I totally understand. But I think you have a real gift for communicating your thoughts and feelings to other people in a way that's easy to understand and empathize with. I'm sure this sort of comment was the last thing you were looking for, but I'm really impressed with the level of your writing. It hit me on an emotional level.

I couldn't agree more.

 

This is me all over:

" I wish I liked and respected myself. I don't believe anyone else would if they knew everything about me. I feel like I have to hide myself from others, so that they don't see who I really am. It doesn't seem to be something I'll ever outgrow, so I fear I'll feel this way my whole life.

I just don't know what to do. And so I don't feel like doing anything."

I hope you eventually get to be where you want to be, evalynn.

Hugs.

 

 

 

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I agree with the others. I feel like this most of the time (although I'm always telling others to be positive, and that makes me feel like a hypocrite). I hope it helps somewhat to know that we know how you feel and we're all in this together.

Edited by thursdayschild

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I wrote this last night in an attempt to stave off a terrible depression spiral. Coming back tonight and seeing that not only were my words read, but commented on, really means a lot. I always feel so vulnerable when I write about my feelings like this, so I appreciate your comments so much. So thank-you. :)

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