An hour ago, I was in a rare but oddly good mood. An optismistic mood where I was contemplating getting things done. Now that's fading and I'm back to my tired, lethargic, pessimistic state. My "normal" state. I feel really down. Feeling like this after a short spell of happiness is somehow even worse.
I guess I'm not really sick of being anxious and depressed or I'd try harder to not be. I don't really try. I'm currently not on meds nor seeing a pdoc like I'm supposed to be. I don't believe anyone or any medication can help me. I feel that going through the same trial and error over and over will just make me feel worse in the end. Or maybe I'm just too lazy. I don't want to look up a new pdoc, make a call, find their office and go to the appointment. I don't want to hope I like and feel comfortable with the new doc, and that she/he can give me something that actually helps. I don't want to find a therapist only to find out my insurance won't cover it or that I don't feel at ease with them enough to open up. I had a therapist not too long ago who was the best one I ever had. Then they told her that she could only work with a certain clientele that didn't include me, and it was a sudden and heartbreaking goodbye. I dont' want to go looking for someone else that I'll like as much as her when I know it's impossible.
I also don't want to confide in my loved ones because I dont' want to be vulnerable and I don't want to be disappointed when they don't understand or don't have the "right" words that make me feel comfortable with confiding. I don't want to try to lose weight again when I tried harder at that than I have at pretty much anything in my life and I gained it all back in like a year's time (and it took more than a year to lose it!). I dont' want to give up food when it's one of my only joys in life. I don't want to work out on a regular basis when I'm out of shape again and I hate working out and often I feel so tired and sore or too anxious to leave the house to go to the gym.
I don't want to try to get my husband to understand the things about me that I know he won't. I dont' want to be disappointed again when he doesn't get it. But I don't want to leave because there's no where else I want to be anyway. I dont' want him to leave me, but I'm not happy here. I want things to change without me having to figure out how to make them change. If they can change. I hope I can't just be happy without anything changing.
I wish I knew how to stop random memories from popping into my head that make me angry, sad, embaressed, ashamed, or otherwise upset. I wish I could stop obsessing over them. I also wish I didn't worry about everything obsessively, as if the worrying itself can do something to make it better. I wish I could truly convince myself that it doesn't.
I wish I liked and respected myself. I don't believe anyone else would if they knew everything about me. I feel like I have to hide myself from others, so that they don't see who I really am. It doesn't seem to be something I'll ever outgrow, so I fear I'll feel this way my whole life.
I just don't know what to do. And so I don't feel like doing anything.