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Bitterness


RiverLight

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I am very bitter right now. I have a DF friend -- a male -- that I've been close friends with for months now. We email a lot, confide in each other and support each other. We both have relationships that we're committed to. My boyfriend is not comfortable with this friendship though and made me cut down contact with my friend. He says it's practically an emotional affair, or that if we continued our regular communications and continued confiding in each other, that it would be an emotional affair. So I told my friend we can no longer be in close touch because of this. I am bitter. I work all alone all day long with no one to talk to and go through ups and downs throughout the day. My friend provided a lot of much needed support to me. But my boyfriend doesn't understand this at all. He cannot sympathize with the fact that I have no one to talk to. I don't know if we're going to last -- me and my boyfriend. If my bitterness persists, we won't. I am hoping this is just a temporary state/feeling, but I am angry. I wish my boyfriend was more secure and less threatened by my male friendships. It is really starting to get to me. He is like this with any male I am friends with and feels threatened. I should probably join him in his therapy session again to talk about this, but it cost me $30 for parking the last time in the city. We need couples' counseling, I'm afraid.

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So you torched a friend for the sake of a boyfriend whom you may or may not keep and for whom 30 bucks might be an over-investment?

If you friend is still on here DF, I really, really, really wish him well. You absolutely don't deserve jealousy, nor should he be a victim.

 

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2 hours ago, Gisele said:

So you torched a friend for the sake of a boyfriend whom you may or may not keep and for whom 30 bucks might be an over-investment?

If you friend is still on here DF, I really, really, really wish him well. You absolutely don't deserve jealousy, nor should he be a victim.

 

Not sure I understand your message, but I didn't "torch" a friend. We're going to keep in touch, but a lot less now for the sake of my relationship. My relationship is important enough to me (over 1.5 years) that I am willing to back off from this friendship if my boyfriend feels threatened by it. I don't feel good about it, but who is the victim? I don't get that. It's my boyfriend's insecurity and extreme jealousy that's the problem. If anyone is a victim, it's me.

Edited by RiverLight
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This is going to sound strange but I've been married 20 years and consider my friendships none of my husband's business.  If I had a friend like that I wouldn't even discuss it with my husband.  Partly because I know he wouldn't understand it.  Is that sneaking around?  Maybe.  Maybe I'm in the wrong, but I feel entitled to some privacy even away from my husband.  

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5 minutes ago, thursdayschild said:

This is going to sound strange but I've been married 20 years and consider my friendships none of my husband's business.  If I had a friend like that I wouldn't even discuss it with my husband.  Partly because I know he wouldn't understand it.  Is that sneaking around?  Maybe.  Maybe I'm in the wrong, but I feel entitled to some privacy even away from my husband.  

You know, I tend to agree with you. The only reason why my boyfriend knows is because he specifically asked whom I talk to on here. He is very nosy, investigative and needs to know everything. A part of me feels like it's none of his business. I mean, I come here for support only & to give support as well, it's intended purpose. And if I email someone privately, it is the same thing. I would not have told him if he had not asked, and I couldn't lie. I almost thought about continuing my friendship without his knowledge because I am resentful, but then that would definitely be lying and sneaking around, so I won't. :/ I think it's fine if you keep some things private. I think we are entitled to that.

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Just as long as you keep boundaries if you continue to chat with your DF friend. You are allowed to have support and friends. Be open to your boyfriend about the friendship and def if you start sneaking around then that isn't a good sign. I've been involved in an emotional affair and it isn't worth it. Your boyfriend needs to feel like he can trust you, but there is something within him that is making him a little insecure. Reassure him, openly communicate and know your boundaries. Ultimately it comes down to what is comfortable for you two in the relationship. Little give and take. 

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Good advice! I definitely won't sneak around, that's for sure. But I do feel like telling him I am very bitter about this, and that boundaries are very strong between us. I just don't get why he feels so very threatened. We're not even in the same country!

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Good! Maybe a nice little chit chat is in order. Be curious about his feelings and ask him. A loving, honest and respectable convo can go a long way. :) He probably is just feeling jealous is all... the love of this life is talking to another man. I think that is a pretty normal thing that a lot of people in relationships deal with. You two sound pretty solid. Just be open with each other and let each other know what your needs are.

Edited by ZebraTree
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Wasn't going to post here for a long time, but this, I couldn't pass up.

RiverLight, I'm thinking in reality you don't want it to last. It's not exactly a secret that you're generally unhappy with him.

 

Quote

I work all alone all day long with no one to talk to and go through ups and downs throughout the day. My friend provided a lot of much needed support to me

So.. where is your boyfriend? You can't call him? He don't call you? These are important things.

Edited by Twilight Sky
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1 hour ago, Twilight Sky said:

Wasn't going to post here for a long time, but this, I couldn't pass up.

RiverLight, I'm thinking in reality you don't want it to last. It's not exactly a secret that you're generally unhappy with him.

 

So.. where is your boyfriend? You can't call him? He don't call you? These are important things.

I don't think I'm generally unhappy, I just have strong doubts right now whether this can work out. Whenever an issue arises like this one, it seems to threaten our relationship. My boyfriend is overloaded in his new job and can't really text much during the day or support me during the work day. So I rely on DF friends. Then he has his daughter twice a week and by the time he's dropped her off, I'm too tired to talk. So we talk on the phone when we can, but it's periodic and sporadic. We see each other every other weekend because he has his daughter every other weekend too. So we don't even see each other a lot either. :/

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NO not at all. He only just got officially divorced last Nov and I just met his child in Dec. We are taking it slowly. I need to make sure we can work through our issues before ever considering living with him. I have only lived with someone once and always vowed that I would make sure things are 100% solid before moving in with someone again. Or at least as close to as solid as you can be. I'm in no rush. He lives with roommates and I live with my parents. Neither situation is ideal. We'll live together eventually, I think.

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OK so you DO want this to work.

Just that I see both of you being problematic in this relationship. Not just him..

So, this is a nasty combo you two need to get away from:
Lack of time together: Bad.
Lack of communication: Very bad.
>Even worse when issues come about.
Doing things that make the other uncomfortable: Bad.

I'm guessing his trust issues from experiences with his ex-wife. Nothing you can do about that, except try not to do things that would trigger them. That will take time, and all on him.

My one suggestion is this. When you go out, please please just talk to him once and awhile. I am similar to him in that regard where I want to hear from my lover when she's out. Not trust issues or anything for me though, just wanting to know if things are alright. Long periods of nothing, gets me worrying.

 

 

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Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, I DO want this to work. I do check in with him when I'm out without him, all night long. I tell him when I get home, too. You're right -though -- we're both at fault -- and me, mostly right now, for making him feel uncomfortable. But how was I to know? He knew about this friendship of mine for months and hasn't said he's uncomfortable with it until now. It took him months to say anything, and I've been open about it with him. Then it comes out later that he doesn't like it. Well, so in that case, I'm not entirely at fault for thinking it was OK this whole time. He knows how much I rely on DF for support, and this friend is from DF. Either way, I am making concessions in order for this to work out. I feel it's a bit much, overboard and unnecessary, & I think he's being a little overbearing, but I am still making concessions for him. :/

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