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Still Around...


ParaDoxiPaladin

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Haven't been on the site for a fortnight or so I think. I would say I've had stuff going on but really it's just been another example of my virtually non-existent concentration and potential to quickly move from one thing to another. I kept thinking about the site but then got sidetracked by something. I've been trying to get back into writing. Did 6 hours of work yesterday (somehow). But only 15 minutes today and I fear this low may stick for tomorrow and the day after as its one of my best friends' birthday Sunday so we've been celebrating. And today I've had like 5 pints and I feel a bit bleurgh. I only hope I can get back on writing soon and start getting stuff uploaded. Also, I started the first session of my one-to-one therapy course yesterday. It was tough (naturally), having to give an outline on everything but its already giving me a tiny glimmer of hope. Something that has instantly made be panic because no way should I have any semblance of hope, I don't deserve it, nothing can get better, I always have and always will 100% hate myself, yada-yada... Similar to how my mother's offered to pay for me going on holiday with a mate if I care to arrange it but I don't feel like I deserve it at all and only feel guilty about it. There's also the fact that I'm very limited in where I go and who with due to my issues. I was invited on a 'lads' holiday to a popular seaside place. Nope. Can't do it. I'd prefer just myself and one friend at a fairly quiet town really. Anyways, I hope everyone on here is doing as okay as they can be. I need to try to get back into a routine of visiting this site, but at least I've been bit more active, bit more social, and bit more productive lately. I'll avoid jinxing it and overthinking it. Best to just finally achieve a goal I set forth and actually get some writing uploaded and see how this therapy goes. And not push myself over this weekend. I'm worried I'll end up going out into town Saturday and drink too much and feel absolutely awful but I'll try to maintain some control. Anyways...

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Thanks folks I appreciate the comments :) my therapist is someone who led a bunch of the group therapy courses, which has helped me get more comfortable in speaking to him. Though again it's still difficult and some issues in particular never get easier to talk about. So I'm worried about getting round to that, just as I'm worried that this will once again result in a complete waste of time. But I'm trying to remain positive even if that optimism only remains as a tiny microscopic spec of hope.

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