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Final Group Therapy Today; New Course Next Week


ParaDoxiPaladin

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My last group therapy today. My 12 week one-to-one course starts next week. After 7 prior sessions, it was the 8th that finally got me as I escaped from the room today. Everyone on about mental health and stigma, most saying how they were so relieved to get diagnosed for personality disorder on top of the depression and anxiety (peace of mind), and how - contrary to a popular survey - their immediate families didn't add to the stigma. Well, perhaps my biggest frustration has been desperately struggling to identify my other issues; I definitely have a/some personality disorder/s on top of the anxiety and depression. Also I'll say now - I was going to make a thing of it with a seperate post but I'll just say it here - I have also been diagnosed with PTSD. So that's finally another step which makes a lot of sense. I actually got my first diagnosis of that last year but blanked it ('that couldn't be me'), but recently was given it again and have finally accepted it. On top of the previous possibilities I've been looking into (Bipolar, ADHD/ADD, Aspergers, etc) I've also been suggested a new one that is a strong possibility: Dyslexia (with hints of Dyspraxia too, though apparently they kinda bleed into each other anyway).I was constantly reminded of that last one today as I kept writing words wrong, afraid to call people by their name in case I got it wrong, and a whole thing with phone numbers. You see afterward we all went to the pub and ended up exchanging numbers. I wish I was more outspoken and checked the numbers but was so afraid of buggering up I just gave my number to a couple of people, without even knowing their names or numbers. Thankfully I think I've kinda sorted it now, kinda. But why should I have numbers of people anyway? Why would they want to be my friend? My current friends have enough of a hard time as it is. That's all the thinking in my head in these situations. I suppose us knowing about each others' health issues helps us relax a little but at the same time for me it feels like I'm massively exposed. It's one thing to put on a mask and act a part; that's tiring. Once you're acquainted with someone someone closely then you take off that mask and can even expose the health issues and more; it's difficult yes even after years of knowing someone in such a close way. But getting to know someone face-to-face for the first time with all that exposed; it's tough. All my self-loathing comes out full-force. And today as you can tell my mind is in clumsy/overdrive mode torturing myself, combing over details, remembering that my therapist/CPN (whatever they're called) stated he thought I showed the most progress throughout the course despite things still clearly being extremely difficult almost constantly, I managed to open up a little. Which I have done I guess. Though it feels like everytime I do, I immediately need to stab myself and look down at the floor for being so stupid for saying such stupid selfish things and my life's a mess and I have no purpose and ugh... yeah typewriter's crashed again... I... don't know what I'm gabbin about anymores. Sorry. I'm gonna... *******it why I'm still typing?

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Guess what all those that gave you their number yesterday are thinking......"Why would anyone want to be my friend", exact same as you.......depression tells a 100 million souls every night to run and hide alone......when each of the hundred million would like to connect for just a moment and know that someone cares......so what could it hurt to send those numbers an honest text tonight like "Depression makes me soooo reclusive  but I'm going to break out and be LOUD tonight!!!".....they will write back....

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