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ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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evalynn

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I'm so miserable. I'm sad, angry, lonely, fatigued, lazy, bored, frustrated, overwhelmed, in physically pain, confused, disgusted, ambivalent and more. I feel like I want to vent, but I don't know how without censoring myself. I just wish I could tell people what I really think of them, or openly rage about the things I think are effed up. I wish I felt like someone really understood me. That feels like such an adolescent thing to say, but I really don't feel like anyone knows me. And a lot of it is because I'm so guarded, but I still feel like no one is actually trying.

I'm so emotionally repressed I don't even know how to be open with myself! I can't even write the words I want to say in a personal diary for fear of seeing them. I don't want to face things because I don't have the energy or the wisdom to deal with them. It's like my life is this puzzle that I don't know how to solve. I'm constantly trying to figure it out but I can't. I feel so conflicted, so frozen in fear. I don't know what to do to make things better. I'm afraid everything I do makes things worse.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say to anymore. I just want to feel heard.

 

 

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I hear what you saying and the unknown is what takes ahold on me. It feels like I don't even live in a free country anymore. I dont have control of what happens now. The decision is made by someone else. The doctors decide what medicines I take. They make the decision if I can work or not. Social security decides if I have a disabilty and get paid  money the state decides what type of healthcare I recieve. Is this how you feel?

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