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Gins Of The Father


ParaDoxiPaladin

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Drunk again. I don't even drink that much before I'm p*****. But one drink usually leads to a binge until I'm emotional. Thus for a while I stopped drinking altogether but lately I've been drink8ng pretty frequently. At least one pint every other day. Which doesn't sound like much but... for me it's worrying.

You see my dad was an alcoholic. And only in recent years have I realised that he himself had depression and/or worse. And my mum has recently confirmed that my dad nor she really believed in mental health diagnosis. So that explains a lot with me being told not to bother talking to the doctor or telling anyone about anything when I first plead for help when I was about 13.

Now I'm all sorts of messed up, finding myself downing alcohol to numb that lurking sorrow. Hoping that tonight I won't have terrible nightmares and tomorrow I won't be beset by flashbacks, random mood swings, zero concentration, or a need to hurt myself. I would include the constant suicidal thoughts in there but they're never going to leave.

I only hope this binge doesn't continue to get stronger and become just like my damn father. It's one of my biggest worries though thankfully so far something seems to be stopping me, even if it means my co-dependency still causes me to smoke. In my opinion, lung cancer is a better sacrifice than being a raging booze-hound.

Anyways... I feel sick. Time for bed. If only it stops spinning.

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You realize you MIGHT have a problem. This and knowing of your father having issues with alcohol gives you an advantage. Perhaps this knowledge keeps you in check?

Hope you start feeling better soon.

Love the name of your blog, BTW.

 

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Yeah so far there's been something keeping me in check. I certainly don't drink as heavily as I used to but I'm drinking pretty frequently lately, something that I haven't done before. Every 2 days or so it seems to be, sometimes a full bottle of alcohol, othertimes 3 bottles between me and a friend, and othertimes just 3 pints. It just worries me cause I always feel like I could end up getting like that if I don't watch myself. Just like how I fell into having recreational drugs everytime I went out years ago. I've since made a promise to myself never to touch drugs again (except for cigarettes) and I haven't now for about 3 years. Again, what I was doing wasn't that bad compared to some of the heaviest stuff around but it got to the point where I couldn't go clubbing without any for fear I wasn't 'myself', and I always did as much as possible in one night until I was almost passing out. There's always been something I'm 'addicted' to so I'm very wary of issues.

 

Anyways, thanks! Glad you liked the title :P

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