After a few days of being in a sort of 'chaotic' mood - where my mind was in turbo, flitting about between various emotions, though mostly negative - now I've recognize that I've slipped into a state of heavy anxiety. I'm still rambling and all over the place, as is common with anxiety anyway, but I'm finding talking far more difficult. Especially when talking about my health. I visited a friend last night, watched a film, and had an always-needed talk about health issues and future plans. Was a nice night as always despite feeling terribly anxious, yet I've woken up today with that old gnawing feeling in my chest telling me that I have something to feel guilty about. I've done something wrong. I need to confess, to apologise. Apparently. Well, of course this is rubbish but the feeling is so strong that it's forcing my mind to re-evaluate everything that has happened in order to pick out body language and precise dialogue as proof for my mistakes and why I deserve to feel this miserable. Yes, the mind can be an epic troll.
Meanwhile I'm dealing with a realization that I seem to have been suffering with a condition that well has actually already been identified but I kind of ignored it until it was bought up recently. The only problem is that I'm having trouble accepting it, for odd reasons. I may make a separate post about this some other time, but that is definitely playing on my mind lately. As is the concept of stigma and what people think of me. I'm constantly thinking everyone is out to judge me and tell me off or belittle me, even when I know they would never do that. Even with my 3 closest people in my life, whom I trust and am comfortable with more than anyone else (even my own mother), I still have my mind telling me lies. It's an unceasing war that makes me want to weep and thrash out but none of that will do anything. I need to keep fighting by keeping a level head and pursuing health treatment, but naturally that's damn difficult. And today's group therapy will no doubt make me feel terrible again for how utterly useless it is, so here's hoping I can at least maintain a reasonable state of mind afterwards.