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Anxiety - Turning Your Mind Into A Troll


ParaDoxiPaladin

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After a few days of being in a sort of 'chaotic' mood - where my mind was in turbo, flitting about between various emotions, though mostly negative - now I've recognize that I've slipped into a state of heavy anxiety. I'm still rambling and all over the place, as is common with anxiety anyway, but I'm finding talking far more difficult. Especially when talking about my health. I visited a friend last night, watched a film, and had an always-needed talk about health issues and future plans. Was a nice night as always despite feeling terribly anxious, yet I've woken up today with that old gnawing feeling in my chest telling me that I have something to feel guilty about. I've done something wrong. I need to confess, to apologise. Apparently. Well, of course this is rubbish but the feeling is so strong that it's forcing my mind to re-evaluate everything that has happened in order to pick out body language and precise dialogue as proof for my mistakes and why I deserve to feel this miserable. Yes, the mind can be an epic troll.

Meanwhile I'm dealing with a realization that I seem to have been suffering with a condition that well has actually already been identified but I kind of ignored it until it was bought up recently. The only problem is that I'm having trouble accepting it, for odd reasons. I may make a separate post about this some other time, but that is definitely playing on my mind lately. As is the concept of stigma and what people think of me. I'm constantly thinking everyone is out to judge me and tell me off or belittle me, even when I know they would never do that. Even with my 3 closest people in my life, whom I trust and am comfortable with more than anyone else (even my own mother), I still have my mind telling me lies. It's an unceasing war that makes me want to weep and thrash out but none of that will do anything. I need to keep fighting by keeping a level head and pursuing health treatment, but naturally that's damn difficult. And today's group therapy will no doubt make me feel terrible again for how utterly useless it is, so here's hoping I can at least maintain a reasonable state of mind afterwards.

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I feel everyone is looking at me and judging me its a feeling that rips your soul apart. They say the mind can have great power over a person and his or her thoughts. This i would have to agree with as my mind is controlled by the devil always telling me that i was a mistake and no one will ever love me for me, so far hes right.

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The devil? That's interesting. I hear my own voice in my head, whispering or screaming at me various nasty things like 'you're a piece of sh**', 'the lowest most pathetic scum', 'you don't deserve to live', etc. These intrusive types of thoughts are certainly the worst. Can overcome them temporarily in the early stages by using mindfulness and distraction techniques, but in extreme stages only medication can help.

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I'm sorry I'm reading this so late.  You struck a chord with me when you mentioned feeling the need to confess, because you felt you'd done something 'wrong' (even though you knew that wasn't true).  I feel like this in certain situations, especially when I have revealed something new about myself.  I know what I said wasn't inappropriate or anything, but I really identify with that sense of having 'done something wrong' or 'committed a sin'. I've since learned to identify that this feeling comes up when I say things that I have come to think of as 'off script.'  I have behaved in a new way, not necessarily badly, but in a new way, and my mind cannot cope with it, so it criticizes it.  :hugs:

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I definitely know what you mean there 20Years. Especially when I'm with people that are not aware of (or just don't understand) my health issues, then I do something that they see as out of character. Or at least, what I presume they would see as 'out of character'. I overthink how others may judge my actions and then jump to worse-case misinterpretations. Great example of that is how I am around women that I'm not that familiar with. I either opt to not say anything and end up being judged as 'miserable' and not wanting the ladies around, or I'm too honest with my exploitation-loving open-minded ways (I run an exploitation film group for friends) and ladies end up frightened or disgusted with me. To be honest, I'm not sure that's happened much. That paranoia relates a lot more to my schooldays with girls calling me disgusting and etc. But I know one or two friends' girlfriends who heard about these films I show and get bit freaked out, but other than that they're fine with me and we get on okay. Hell, my ex loved most of that kind of stuff so I've proven to myself that I'm okay to accept myself as 'unique' whilst still knowing that I'm a nice guy underneath. But, well, the 'voices'/intruding-negative-thoughts of course still tell me otherwise.

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