Forgive me if this is all over the place. I'm not sure I'll even complete this fully due to my near zero focus.
I've been getting so frustrated with things lately that I've decided to do a mood diary on Excel for the past few weeks. It's all due to my strong signs that this may be more than anxiety and depression. As therapists, doctors, occupational health clinics, and friends with these issues too have all said themselves, I seem to be high likely to have either ADHD or Bipolar or both. Yet my psychologist won't do a test. So I'm doing this mood diary for now.
And since yesterday my current mood is 'chaotic'. Sort of like my 'hyper' and 'super-hyper' moods (which are pretty much like bouts of mania), only with chaotic mood there is no high, only very brief neutral moments.
Basically my mood is constantly flipflopping between okay to a negative one, be it fear or regret or sadness or confusion or guilt or anger or whatever. My speech and thoughts are in turbo whilst everything else feels slow yet once I focus on everything around me I realise the day has gone. Only, I can barely focus like at all. Unless I just envelope myself in stream of consciousness and impulsive actions instead of actually planning what I say or do. And that constantly makes me self conscious of myself and paranoid what ithers think and very apologetic and ashamed. That is, before I go happy again. It is perhaps my most 'bipolar' mood as it is where I am most noticeably shifting emotions so rapidly.
This mood may not be the worst Ive experienced. No, that would be what I call 'insanity sadness' which broke me back into depression after being stable for near 3 years; where I couldn't move or talk and my own voice in my head kept repeating negative phrases over and over for almost a month before I surrended and went to the doctors. Anyways... it's not the worst but chaotic is still one of the worst, as it can cause me to do impulsive things but instantly regret them and get confused and ugh so on.