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'CHAOS CONTROL!' - Currently in a 'chaotic' mood


ParaDoxiPaladin

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Forgive me if this is all over the place. I'm not sure I'll even complete this fully due to my near zero focus.

I've been getting so frustrated with things lately that I've decided to do a mood diary on Excel for the past few weeks. It's all due to my strong signs that this may be more than anxiety and depression. As therapists, doctors, occupational health clinics, and friends with these issues too have all said themselves, I seem to be high likely to have either ADHD or Bipolar or both. Yet my psychologist won't do a test. So I'm doing this mood diary for now.

And since yesterday my current mood is 'chaotic'. Sort of like my 'hyper' and 'super-hyper' moods (which are pretty much like bouts of mania), only with chaotic mood there is no high, only very brief neutral moments.

Basically my mood is constantly flipflopping between okay to a negative one, be it fear or regret or sadness or confusion or guilt or anger or whatever. My speech and thoughts are in turbo whilst everything else feels slow yet once I focus on everything around me I realise the day has gone. Only, I can barely focus like at all. Unless I just envelope myself in stream of consciousness and impulsive actions instead of actually planning what I say or do. And that constantly makes me self conscious of myself and paranoid what ithers think and very apologetic and ashamed. That is, before I go happy again. It is perhaps my most 'bipolar' mood as it is where I am most noticeably shifting emotions so rapidly.

This mood may not be the worst Ive experienced. No, that would be what I call 'insanity sadness' which broke me back into depression after being stable for near 3 years; where I couldn't move or talk and my own voice in my head kept repeating negative phrases over and over for almost a month before I surrended and went to the doctors. Anyways... it's not the worst but chaotic is still one of the worst, as it can cause me to do impulsive things but instantly regret them and get confused and ugh so on.

Anyways...

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I'm going to build an island just for bipolars so that we can all congregate with the coolest people on earth.   And stop apologizing for who we are.  

 

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Since your psychologist won't do a test, there are also a couple of actually quite a few online mood trackers which are kind of helpful. A few years ago a  therapist of mine wanted me to track my moods. she wouldn't tell me why, but it was easy to figure it out. Well to her disappointment I think, it didn't seem that I was bipolar. I think she just wanted an easy excuse to send me off to a doctor to get meds. What bothered me, was that she wasn't upfront with any of it.

However, the good that came out of it was me being able to research mood trackers and see which one I liked, since she seemed clueless about it all. She wanted me to keep a journal or diary like you are doing. So I guess if you like keeping it, I really shouldn't be saying anything. ( I hated journaling at that time.) or maybe you've already tried them.... I dunno, just putting it out there. :)

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Thanks. I haven't tried any online mood trackers. My spreadsheet seems to be doing the trick for now, but I might have a look to see how other trackers are structured. For the past couple of days now I've been in this chaotic kind of mood which is difficult to pin down because I'm flitting between so many emotions within this state. Last night I was fine for ten minutes then for the next 50 minutes I'd be sobbing, then angry, then confused, etc. My diary allows me to keep few extra notes for some important info, like if I recognise a particular event that triggered a downfall.

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Yeah, it's amazing what's out there. Some of the trackers had room for notes/journaling, some had graphs to chart the different moods, there was even one, where your therapist could even have access to the info if needed.  "purdy fancy stuff." LOL I think I ended up just choosing a basic free one until I decided to really commit to tracking my moods. But I have to say, I was impressed with a lot of them. I am partial to paper and pen myself but the convenience of the apps are tempting. I am glad it's all working for you though. I'm hoping you'll get some results.

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That does all sound great. The only kicker I guess is that the best ones would require a fee (typical eh) but I could take a look whilst I stick with this excel 'diary' for now. Thanks melplus, yeah here's hoping it can actually be used toward something beneficial. I'm... not doing well at the minute to say the least.

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