Overwhelmed and Ungrounded.... Lost Without Direction
Entry posted by RiverLight ·
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I feel lost right now, or very ungrounded. Normally, I feel pretty grounded within myself. Right now I am lost. I mean, I know pretty much what I want in a relationship and what I need, and I have a sense of where I am heading, but I am afraid that he cannot change. What is going on is making me feel very uncomfortable, and I am wondering if I have given him too many chances.
The feeling is overwhelming. Plus, I have far too much going on right now and am overwhelmed generally. I am on mental health leave from work (three months without working and without income), I am looking for jobs and interviewing, and am dealing with a rocky, troubled relationship. This is too much. I am also trying to study this certification course I am taking, but I am having a very hard time focusing. Last week I got zero accomplished because of the fight I had with my boyfriend.
I miss myself..... I miss my confident, normal self that is happier and full of life, enthusiasm and direction. I miss my sense of humor. I've noticed that it's disappeared lately. I get irked by others' silliness & jokes when I need support. I miss who I am..... I don't feel like myself lately.
He asked if our rules are too restrictive for me, and I believe maybe they are. Otherwise, I would not have broken our rule of not going to a bar by myself for all of a half hour while waiting for the train after my interview. I didn't ask because I was afraid of upsetting him. But I did tell him the truth. I did not lie. I also felt somewhere inside that he should trust me enough to be able to go to a bar for a brief amount of time.
I am lost without a paddle. I suppose I will give it one more chance, but that needs to be it. I need to draw the line somewhere. We're going to therapy together, and that's the chance I will give it. I will give him one more chance to change his behavior towards me. He needs to treat me with respect, and I need to not feel afraid of him. And I will also not break our rules again.
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