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What He Does to Me.... Abuse?

RiverLight

Entry posted by RiverLight ·

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His accusations:
I don't like the way you communicate --- when I wanted to go to bed in the middle of a conversation
You're unstable --- simply because I confronted him about his behaviors and how they made me feel
You take me for granted (twice he's said this) --- simply because I didn't text for a few hours while in transition from a party
You feed me all BS; you pick and choose what you want to tell me -- simply because I went to a bar by myself (I should not have broken the rules, but I told him the truth)... and because I had forgotten to tell him about an ex boyfriend contacting me, yet told him the truth when asked if anyone's contacted me lately.
 
He turns the tables & gets defensive:
When confronted with his behavior he always turns the tables to say what I do wrong, or equally as wrong. He won't simply own up to it immediately and apologize for hurting me
 
Everything that is wrong has to be equal to him:
When he's in the wrong, he needs to make it equal by bringing up my past mistakes or what I do wrong
 
Brings up irrelevant past issues in arguments:
Throws in what is completely irrelevant, or a past issue, into the current argument
 
He becomes controlling whenever he's upset or anxious:
I want to chaperone you when you're out without me and show up unexpectedly to check up on you
I want to meet every guy friend of yours before you go out with them alone
You can't go out to dinner alone with your ex boyfriend, even though I'm invited to meet up with you afterwards
I don't want you being affectionate with your guy friends ever

Doesn't trust me, is overly anxious, and communicates very poorly when upset or anxious. Can't deal with this anymore. :/  Is this abuse?

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My empire of dirt
22 hours ago, RiverLight said:

Well I'm off soon to spend the weekend with my controlling boyfriend. This is getting worse.... I am thinking I need to leave.

Neither one of you seem to trust the other

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Twilight Sky

" I don't want you being affectionate or touchy feely with other guys "

That's really the only thing I can understand his take on.

And I agree with Empire of Dirt. There's some serious lacking of trust going on, but yours seems to be a little more under control than his. But clearly his behaviour is causing you to do all the things he doesn't want you to do.

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RiverLight
On 5/21/2016 at 3:17 PM, My empire of dirt said:

Neither one of you seem to trust the other

Yes this is true. We're working on it, but it may prove to be our downfall. :/
 

On 5/21/2016 at 3:53 PM, Twilight Sky said:

" I don't want you being affectionate or touchy feely with other guys "

That's really the only thing I can understand his take on.

And I agree with Empire of Dirt. There's some serious lacking of trust going on, but yours seems to be a little more under control than his. But clearly his behaviour is causing you to do all the things he doesn't want you to do.

I understand it too and am trying to not be affectionate with my male friends. I am just naturally affectionate, with both men and women. But I understand it may bother him with other guys (friends).

My lack of trust is much more under control than his. His is far out of control, to the point of interrogation. I was interrogated this weekend about a guy who said hi to me and "oh, I remember you". So he freaked out on me this weekend a little bit about who this guy was.

Edited by RiverLight
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RiverLight

To anyone who reads my blog or posts, I love my boyfriend and want this to work out. But he has some serious communication issues and control issues, and we both have trouble with trust. I am working on this in therapy and am hoping he will work on his communications and trust as well.

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RiverLight

GSpolar, I did not appreciate your rudeness towards me in your post by telling me that I am playing him and that you would drop me in a second if it were you. That is not OK. Please do not post any more on my blog. Thank you.

Edited by RiverLight
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Skylark1

It's good you're being firm about the boundaries, River!

Whether he is abusive, I don't know. I hope not. I can really only understand the thing about him not wanting you to have dinner alone with your ex. But he really is over the top with the jealousy and he sounds possessive, like he expects your world to revolve around him. The accusation after not returning his texts right away seem particularly unreasonable. It's only natural for you to push back against unreasonable stuff like this, controlling behavior. I do think his issues are more out of control than yours. Hope you two can work things out. Take care of yourself!

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RiverLight

Thanks Skylark... your support means a lot to me! Yes, I understand about the dinner alone with my ex too, though I did offer for him to meet up with us afterwards. It's not like this is even on the table though. My ex hasn't gotten in touch with me and he's not even coming to town. This is all a hypothetical case scenario. He does that.... thinks always in terms of hypotheticals. He is over the top about the rest, and I do feel it's out of control. I hope this therapy appt on Wed helps! I am really looking forward to being able to talk about these issues together with a therapist. Hope we can work it out too, but right now I feel a dark cloud is hanging over us. :/

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Skylark1

Oh, wow, I didn't pick up that this never even happened... Planning all that out...yeah, over the top. Sounds like you two can't agree on boundaries in the first place, and he can't see that his are unreasonable. There's always some compromise in relationships, of course, but unreasonable is unreasonable.

Hope things improve with the joint therapist appt!

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RiverLight

yeah, it literally is a non-issue since it's not even happening!!!! Totally over the top unreasonable, and not even applicable to the current argument or issues. I hope and pray this therapy appt helps us!!!! Thanks Skylark! :hugs:

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