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Torn.....


RiverLight

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I don't know what to do. My boyfriend has exhibited some qualities I really don't like and cannot tolerate. When he is upset or overly anxious (mainly because I have upset him), he accuses me, attacks me, criticizes me and berates me. It is not OK, and I have told this flat out. I have given him an ultimatum bc it has happened too many times now and I felt beaten up as a result. Then on top of that, he manipulates in arguments. He needs things to be on an equal playing field, even when he's mostly at fault. He tries to accuse me of doing the same things he does, which is just not true. He's a dirty fighter. Then we also have trust issues to resolve. The pile is growing..... it's becoming a small mountain of issues to get through.

I have requested that I attend his individual therapy appt next week so that I can convey what is happening so he can work on it. He's willing to work on it, but I see no changes so far. And he only goes to therapy once a month.

I love him and want to salvage the relationship. There is so much that is positive between us, but these negatives are large and could be deal breakers. I am willing to wait it out bc I value him and our relationship. When things are good, they're great. it's only when he's upset or overly anxious that he becomes an A hole. But I don't like it one bit, and I don't like the way I am left feeling. I get depressed for days when he does this to me, and can't even eat. The last time this happened, he triggered my PTSD and I had to write my thoughts out in an email to him instead of talking.

I hope this therapist can help. I am full of doubts now about whether this can truly work or be salvaged..... there's more to it than this, but that's enough for today.

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Hmmmm... the only think I can think of is this.  Since you say you really want to salvage the relationship, treat him like a child having a temper tantrum.  When he gets anxious/upset and starts acting like an a-hole, ignore him.  Or at least don't react to him.  Try to think of it as his problem, and try not to let it affect you.  Easy to say, I know.  But that is just my two cents.  Maybe if you don't react the way you usually do, he will step back and realize something.  This is not the same as acting like it's OK, because as you said it's not, but just that you distance yourself from him when he's like that, in a neutral way, maybe it will defuse him somewhat.  

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That's kind of what my therapist suggested! LOL.... thanks for the great advice! :hugs:She advised that I just walk away when he gets like that and shut off the conversation, indicating that I will not tolerate it. I do need to change my own approach, because instead I get upset then lash out at him with angry words.

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