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First Things First

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Babycakes12

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blog-0987007001452881704.jpgMy real name is not important, so I go by S. I am 18 years old. i live with my boyfriend(J) and my daughter(K). I have graduated from high school despite having a child at the age of 14. I was diagnosed with anxiety at the age of 9. Then at 15 depression and social anxiety. Recently I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I am currently on Zoloft, only just started it. So far i haven't noticed any major symptoms and its been 3 days. I hope to log my progress with Zoloft. I haven't always been distant and shy. It wasn't until after i had my daughter i started pushing people away. I moved constantly so i never kept any friends i would make. Years of isolation makes it hard to even be in a room with more than 3 other people. I have trouble going out into public and having to talk to people one on one. Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. Although i think our relationship didn't really start for another 1.5 years. It was long distance and he rarely talked to me. I put up with it because i knew we would have a good future. He isn't the father of my daughter, and that how i knew. HIm and i have known eachother for over 10 years. when we were kids, we "dated" ironically enough, He was my first boyfriend and first kiss and i was his first girlfriend and first kiss. i hope we are eachothers lasts as well. He is an amazing father for my daughter and love them both to death. Before him, it was just her and i living with my controlling mom. September of last year, my mom fell into a very deep depression. It was very hard for everyone. She went into the hospital as we were losing our house. That left me (17 at the time) to pack and clean and move. I had to get rid of 2 dogs and a cat i had had for more than 3 years. i had to sell stuff to try and make money for my daughter and i. And when it was all over, i was Home less with my daughter. If i didn't have my boyfriend i have no idea what would have happened to my baby and i.

I still feel like i can walk back into my old house in my old town. That everything will be the same. My dogs will be there. my fluffy cat. I cant seem to get over it. And its driving me nuts. i wake up in the middle of the night due to dreams that take place at my old house. I wake up sweating, shaking, and crying. i cant stop it, it just takes time for me to calm down. i hate when it happens and my daughter is in the room with me. She gets frightened and confused. she shouldn't have to see her mom doing that.

Some days are better than others. If i can stay active and productive, i will usually have a good day. but if i don't, Then i have a bad day. A lot of the times is how i wake up in the morning. If i wake up with my boyfriend with me and we get up fairly quick i usually have a pretty good day. If we lay in bed awhile, i get slow and lazy and usually ends in a lazy day. If i wake up without him i get sad. causing a bad day. then if i lay by myself for awhile, that's when things get ugly. I get to a point where i just want to die. Wishing i wouldn't have woken up. Everyday gets harder and harder. every bad day anyways. There are more bad than good. It really hurts. I know J hurts just as much, or even more than i do. I try and try every single day to have a good day with no fighting or crying or panic attacks. but sometimes its hard. its taking a toll on him for sure. I hate myself for it. He doesn't deserve that from me. I have so much love and support for him, i just wish i wasn't sick so i could just show him.

My daughter is the best think that has ever happened to me. She is the only one keeping me alive. if it wasn't for her, i would have given up long ago. But i need to be here to protect her. I had a terrible childhood, with countess sexual, physical and mental abuse. I will never let anything happened to my daughter. I just cant trust anyone really. Sounds terrible, but i am her safe haven. The one person to come to and feel 100% safe and happy. I will stay in this world only for her. She is 3 and in preschool. She is so smart, her teachers always tell me how impressed they are by K. i knew she would be that way, just like i was. I plan on making sure my daughter has an amazing future and life. That's why i need to get better.

A few last words before i wrap up, my life hasn't been easy. but that doesn't mean im going to give up. Im strong, just like all of you out there. we can do this, together.

Until next time

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