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Just Existing



I came home from work new years eve (in the afternoon) and just locked myself in my home for the next 3 1/2 days. I shut off all my social media (fb, instagram, etc) and just hid away. it was really no different from every day life...just that I didn't have to fake a smile for anyone...or get out of my pjs.

some days I think I should consider getting back on my meds...its been 3 yrs. I cant afford to really be on them, its an added 100 bucks a month, that doesn't exist with my paycheck. Im already behind in bills.

my mom asked me the other day if I was ever going to come off my meds (she doesn't know I stopped) she wants me off my meds, only the weak take meds according to her, im apparently supposed to be able to "will" my depression away. she kinda flipped out on me about, telling my that these drugs are k*illing my liver and kidneys in the long run, that I shouldn't rely on medication, and that im "fine" now so I don't need to be on them. its good to know at least I have her fooled...everyone else can see my sadness (and get annoyed with me for it). I could of came clean and told her I was off of it all, but shes difficult and if I ever decide to go back on, I don't want to battle her about it. not that she has a say, I am 35, but she is overbearing.

to be honest, the meds didn't really take the depression away, just took some of the edge off....it was slim

but anyways. I kinda just wanted to run out to a public place today and scream and cry "help me" not that I want anyones help. I just want a distraction from my racing thoughts. a conversation. a random text. I just want to feel like I exist.

to be honest, I truly died a long long time ago (years) Im just a body going thru the motions. my feelings towards the people around me, are for the most part "numb". they dislike me and it doesn't really seem to bother me much anymore. im just here...quietly getting thru each day.


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I am sure this will sound cliched or something you must have tried before... but why don't you try something new this year? it  does not have to be fancy thing which costs a lot of money but anything which gets you to look forward to something. I started volunteering at the American red cross. it helps coz I get the feeling that I am helping someone else!

Think about it...

hope you feel better


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Hi allalone, enjoy your blog entries.

I am totally with you when you talk about feeling like you died some time ago and are now just going through the motions. I feel exactly the same way.

I hope you find some peace in your life.

Hugs, t

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I tried the whole "something new this year" thing in the past. it was a few years ago, I joined a "hiking group" they met once a month for a new trail to explore...I totally loved it. I didn't really make "friends" but at least engaged in conversations with different people each outing. it was a small group, a dozen people at the most on some hikes. the group stopped doing outings the following year (young married couple with two very young kids were running it -they got too busy).


haven't been able to really find anything since. I found about that group from a customer of mine. ive grown so used to being by myself that I get anxiety now with the thought of being among a group of strangers. its frustrating how I developed a new mental problem while trying to deal with my existing one.

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