I have been in a relationship with the same guy for almost four years. If you have read my other blogs you may know about my recent sexual encounter with another man. I'm not particularly comfortable with talking about this, and I'm sorry if this is weird, but I need to vent/rant/talk about this.
In my twenty-three years on this planet and my twelve or so years of sexuality, I have yet to be fully satisfied by another human being when it comes to sex. I have a very high sex drive but no proper outlet to express these feelings. My relationship has been lacking in that department, which I feel has also effected us emotionally.
My boyfriend is significantly older than me, and since we've been together he has had a hard time 'keeping it up' --- for lack of a better phrase. I'm lucky if he can last more than five minutes before it's over. To make matters worse, it is rare that he will be able to have sex more than once in a day. I always feel awful after sex because I get nothing out of it. The only way I can be semi satisfied is if he performs oral sex on me. But I want something more than that, I want to be pleasured fully.
The lack of bedroom chemistry has begun to filter into our life. For the last two years I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to have sex with him because it goes so fast, and what's the point of taking my clothes off if I am just going to put them back on two minutes later? He has complained about the lack of sex multiple times, but I just don't see the point any more. I almost feel disgusted when we do, because there is no romantic chemistry or anything of the sort. We have tried to spice it up, but it just doesn't do anything for me. I am not satisfied with him sexually.
I am not going to make excuses for my sexual encounter with another man, because what I did was wrong and I feel very guilty for doing it. But what has made it even worse was that the guy that I had sex with couldn't keep it up either. We would just be about to have sex and he wouldn't be hard. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, and eventually gave up. He kept saying he would be better the next time, but I didn't and don't want there to be a next time so I am now ignoring him. I couldn't believe what a waste of time that was. I felt awful for doing it and I still felt dissatisfied.
I am beginning to wonder if it is me, or maybe my choice in men? In any case, this has been a reoccurring problem throughout my entire life. I have never been able to have an orgasm unless it is by oral sex. And, to be honest, I crave more than that.
Is it me? Is it my decisions? Something I'm doing wrong? I am so confused and very sexually frustrated.