So I commented on someone's blog today to not be afraid to fire their pdoc if the pdoc desperately needed it....and so I wanted to write more on my own blog about how things are going with my new one.
I saw her for the third time today (we are having a lot of sessions up front because I am on short term disability through my employer). We talked specifically about why I fear returning to work. She managed to nail it all down into a short little summary that gave me a solid foundation for my eventual return to my job.
In my case, I am a floater of sorts. I work the front desk sometimes, I work in Post Award sometimes, and we are starting a huge initiative for digitizing our files so I will be heading up that. It's a lot of variety and a lot to keep straight. The Front Desk in particular is so detail oriented, and my brain just can't handle it. I make mistakes, I feel stupid, I cry in the ladies room, rinse and repeat.
Well, my pdoc helped me to see that my illness affects the type of job i need in order to be successful. Schizoaffective can't handle all those details, can't handle being right up front on display, can't handle a variety of things. What I need is routine, and to be away from people as much as possible.
So, basically, I'm worrying myself over returning to a job that isn't at all right for me in the first place. I shouldn't even be returning to it.
Now, it's not practical to go on long term disability now that my meds are stable and I've had two weeks off from work as a break. I have a minimum of two more since she wrote me off for a month.
There is an opening on our invoicing team right now that is routine and away from people. It's been open a while, I'm not sure why they haven't filled it yet, but it might just be auspicious timing. Perhaps I don't have to return to the other job at all. I have a call into my boss to see whether they hired the temp that's been there for the past three weeks, or whether it's a possibility for me to transition.
No way would I have come to that on my own. I'd have still been beating myself up for making mistakes, shaking with fear coming to work every day, and not being able to handle work when everyone else seems to manage just fine, thank you.
All that in one 25 minute appointment. Yeah, I'll pay out-of-network rates for her...she helped me to see that I have an illness, not that I AM an illness, and that there is a possibility for employment success for me too. I'm just wasting my time in the wrong place. That doesn't mean I can't do anything at all. My thinking is always so black and white. She really helped me to see between the lines.