On Being Selfless
Being selfless is hard. Even when I think I am being selfess it turns out I'm really being selfish.
For example, I might not want to see certain people sometimes. Mostly that is because of how ashamed I am of myself. And because I feel that way, I think nobody would be interested in seeing me and thus I might as well spare people from my presence.
But, I am aware that it might also come off as rude. I shouldn't be so focused on myself, I should be more 'out there' just to show others that I am interested in them. That would be the selfless and selfsacrificing thing to do. But the thing is, the belief that I am not interesting or worth anything is very deeply rooted so although I know how I should behave on a conscious level, it is my core belief that I simply do not matter.
The few people left in my life may say it's in my head and other kind things. It is true this core belief has resulted in me becoming very alone because I haven't always had the awareness I have now. But to me, it is a truth that no clichés can pierce through because experience has taught me this. Without playing the blame game I know it's mostly me that is responsible but I will not call it my fault because when I was a child I didn't know of the importance of social codes, taking initiatives and that. I was just me, blissfully unaware there was anything wrong with me at all. Thinking I probably didn't matter was the most natural thing in the world to me, always has been. I was told to speak up in class, but why should I have when I never had anything of interest to say? Or if somebody else can answer a question why should I? I was told to participate more but nobody ever told me why, nor did I have the sense to ask why. Now I'm older and wiser and know why, but back then I wasn't.
But I digress...
I am often conflicted. I want to be selfless and risk my pride showing interests in other people. But I'm so very afraid of being judged. You'd think that at this point in my life nothing matters, but it's a constant internal battle between the two alternatives. I want to protect myself but from what? I become increasingly dead inside so what do I have to lose, right?
But that pesky core belief, that I don't matter.. It's very real.