So last night, after some friends had gone home, I decided that I was tired enough to go to bed.
Mistake. I spent about 7 hours alternating between a light doze and restlessness. My room felt really hot, so I turned on the air conditioner. Then it was too cold, so I turned it to the fan setting. My heart was beating too fast, and I was thinking about how I have only 3 Klonopin for the next 3 days before I can get it refilled.
Other annoying thoughts went through my head as well.
Usually when I can't sleep I'll just get up and go into the living room and watch tv, listen to music, go online, etc. For some stupid reason I didn't do that last night. I tried to gut it out. I should be learning from my experiences with depression and anxiety, yet I'm not. I make the same mistakes over and over again.
Why can't I make my Klonopin last a full month? I tried setting some aside earlier in the month, but ended up using them all up.
So this morning I am feeling pretty bad. I just took a klonopin so hopefully that will help a bit. Two pills would have been nice, but I need those for the next two days.
I'm really afraid I'll have a panic attack today. Fearing fear.... being anxious about anxiety, are not pleasant feelings, but is so ingrained in my mind that I can't help it.
Oh well. My end of the month blog entries probably sound like a broken record. Same story over and over again.
Thanks for reading.