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Oh How I Miss The Sorrow


AintNoHer0

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Never thought I'd say that, it's kind of a misnomer anyway it hasn't really gone anywhere it never did. But at least when it was there it was a constant. No ups just more things to pull it down before it returned back to just the usual day to day crap of life in my head. Then something changed. Something came into my life that while not being a cure all by any means made daily life easier.

Sertraline.

Wasn't too fun at first and it wasn't til the dose was over 100mg but after that, there was a quietness inside. Almost numbness but not completely. So the sorrow was still there but it was in the background. All emotions were still there but they were dampened, needing far more than before to get a reaction. And all was 'good'.

So what went wrong? Why does it seem to be breaking down? It started with negative emotions, I started getting bursts of sadness that would come and go at random throughout the day sometimes for minutes others just seconds. Then all the other depression stalwarts came out, in burst form too since that seems to be my new thing. Fine. But where are the positive ones coming from? I'm not ready they mix in with the bad ones and it's like someones bouncing my brain off a wall sometimes..

My theory is it might be joining here. I've let my filters drop and my guard down it's very disarming here. But judging by the T&C's this place is like the Greendale air conditioning repair school 'once you're in you're in for life'.

I guess that's ok I got nowhere else to go I just wish there was some way of stopping my brain doing whatever the fcuk it's doing -.-

There are other things that have changed lately. I think I'm allergic to happiness.

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it really is understandable but not the right place to be in life,not healthy.

when our daughter died all I wanted was for the pain to go away but then I realized that my pain was the only real connection left between us

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I'm not even sure how to respond that, I can't conceive of a way to numb oneself to block out that kind of loss to begin with, I'm sorry you've had to go through that devastation. I can only empathize though I can't directly relate because I don't have any kids. Pain can't be all you have left, you must have memories from the joy she brought you? I just don't know where I go from here and I'm sorry if I've came across as rude at all or caused any offence that was very much not my intention, it's just I don't understand the connection you've made of the situations? Thank you for reading by the way, probably should have started with that !

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