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Triggers 10/10/05

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This afternoon, somebody else on another forum wrote that while she was able to manage her day and do the things she needed to do, she felt an undercurrent of pain and sadness that has never left her since she has been divorced. That really set off a trigger for me, and before I knew it I was full-out bawling. What she said is so true for me as well. For instance, on Saturday night I had my "townhouse party," which was fun and went really well, but that undercurrent was still present. After last week's fiasco of EX's big breakup and reconciliation with Pinkie (the other woman), I have started over today with my "limited contact" mission. No phone calls, e-mails, etc., unless it concerns the kids, and if he e-mails or calls me and tries to bring up personal subjects, I plan to discourage that and keep my boundaries. He did write late today about seeing the kids, and I let him know (again) that I would appreciate a schedule at the beginning of the week so that I can make plans for myself. He's being really cagey about the whole thing, and I suspect he doesn't want to give up too much of his precious freedom or have to "commit" to anything. My older son is having a tough day today. His cousins were in town last night, and he stayed up late. He had trouble getting up and through his school day, and now he is all upset over doing homework. He was actually crying earlier. I checked on him a few minutes later, and he was laying in bed just staring into space. I know it was really just fatigue, but I got scared for a few minutes thinking about depression and whether or not he will inherit it. He is such a sensitive kid and has gone through so much in the last 9 months. Sometimes I see that natural childish happiness slipping away from him, and it makes me sad. I just hope that my best for him is good enough. For both of them, actually.

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