Feeling My Way Through the Dark Night

Living well is the best revenge. :) I totally understand how you feel. It's painful being the bigger person all the time. But finding your own niche and following your dreams regardless will show them. **** them.

Thanks Arboria, for your encouragement! :) Ugh, it just really gets to me sometimes. I'm not sure why I always end up the one who gets ignored sometimes, out of a group of people who all end up saying the same thing I said, more or less. It might just be my mood dropping into the dark side, but I swear it feels that way a LOT. I bet you know what I mean about it taking so much energy sometimes to muster up a few positive words for someone in need, and just to have that effort go completely ignored is infuriating!

I know that writing this put me at risk of sounding like a real ass who was personally targeting someone, but this blog is here for me to get raw and really be honest about my feelings from day to day. Rational, irrational, happy, giddy, p***** off, paranoid or whatever. I think it's much better to write it HERE, in my own personal space, than go in directly to the person and tell them up front, because I know I can be extremely oversensitive, and as soon as the ugly mood passes, I'll see it with the perspective of someone NOT going through a severe funk period, and feel bad for having said anything. You know what they say - you only have one chance to make a first impression, and ugly words cannot be taken back.

Then I considered whether I was being a passive-aggressive slime ball for not confronting the person directly about how I felt. I HATE being on the receiving end of that, and definitely don't want to do it myself. I came to the conclusion that it would be in passive-aggressive territory only if I made it very obvious who the person was, thereby creating drama, with the intent of making sure the person saw it and knew for sure it was them. I don't have any intention of doing that, because I don't WANT to hurt anyone. What I do NEED, though, is to just have a place to vent. This is that place. I'm 99% sure the person I'm talking about will never see this rant, too.

It's meant to kind of be that letter you're always told to write and then throw away when you're really angry at someone, and just need to let off steam so you can start to calm down and think clearly. :)

hey, if someone thinks you are an a****** for expressing yourself on your blog, **** 'em! :p

Hi Hotaru!

Being ignored is one of the worst feelings ever. For me it goes along with feeling so lonely all the time it seems.

Doesn't exactly help with self-esteem either.

Take care :)

-AG

Thanks, Scatter. I need to do some commenting on YOUR blog, too, to be honest, and I'm sorry I've fallen behind on it. Lately, my visits have been more sporadic than usual, but I'll get back on it. I did read where you've started to fall back into the dumps again after feeling semi-alright for a while, and it made me feel pretty sad for you. I'm not always sure if there's anything I can say that would be helpful, but I really do feel for you and wish I could be a comfort to you in any way I can. You're really going through a lot…and I"m really sorry about your parents, too! :( *hugs*

I can relate to this as well. I don't like a lot of attention but I do try to do little things for people when I can and they almost always either go unnoticed or that I am SUPPOSED to do things for them because they are so much better than I am. Living they way I have for so long has given me the perspective that the 'little' things are the most important. It just feels like I am the only one who thinks this way.

Sorry.... didn't mean to rant on your blog. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your thinking.

Ah dangit, I replied to Scatter before refreshing, and didn't see AloneGuy or Lorax's comments!!! I'm sorry about that!

Heheh, AG, I promise you, you wouldn't have to feel lonely if you posted a blog or two once in a while! It's possible that I'm either blind or nuts, but if I DID manage to see a blog entry by you, I'd definitely comment! :) That reminds me, I'm pretty lazy and scatterbrained sometimes, too, and I might not have looked for recent posts by you!! Gotta get on that, too! Gaaah!

Lorax, my thoughts exactly. I'm not here to get some kind of grandiose applause, but it's nice to just get a friendly nod whenever I do manage to be able to get up enough energy and inspiration to reply to someone thoughtfully. The other peeve is when you go out of your way to come up with a reply that you hope could end up really helpful to relieve the person's suffering or feelings of self-worth, only to have them say thanks, but then go right back to restating the same complaint…It's as if you've worked so hard trying to help, and they haven't even bothered to read it, much less consider your idea. :( It just hurts, I guess. I swear it's not a vanity thing. I really DO want to be helpful.

I'm always so grateful when you folks here make comments on my posts or blog entries, because each and every one is important. I live a pretty solitary life in a culture that's not terribly warm toward outsiders, so each kind comment is attention from a stranger reaching out to me that I otherwise would not be able to get in my every day life. I'm certainly not entitled to it, so to me - it's a gift! One that I'm very grateful for! You're also welcome to rant here all you want. It adds to the discussion in an interesting, and I hope healing way - to know that we're all in this together. :)

You've said exactly how I have been feeling lately. It's really nice to know that at least a few people can understand what I go through every day. And instead of trying to put it into words all I have to do is add in "me too" to your post. Thank you for sharing.