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Absent Mind

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Defenses Can Sabotage Therapy


absent

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I

I've had four sessions of therapy so far, and they all go the same. I don't remember much, because my anxiety get's high, but in short T asks how was me week or if I have noticed my anxiety and from the one hour of therapy, 90% of the time I say nothing. My mind is blank.

So for four sessions we achieved two things: [a] I know now that I have very high anxiety and I sabotage therapy with all the defenses I am putting up.

[a] I know because he would point out the things I do or how I change my behavior.

We came to that conclusion in the end of session 4 and after my session finished I wanted to go home and write down some notes on the how and why I sabotage. Well it was all gone and for a second week I cannot remember how that conversation went.

II

I am reading "Get me out of here", which is a biographical book about the recovery of the author from BPD. Very interesting, but that is not why I mention this.

What I Don't get is how she can be so honest. In the book she will say her most shameful and inner thoughts. I avoid thinking them, and I can't imaging saying things like that out loud. It seems crazy to me!

III

T said that there has to be bonding. I don't wanna bond. No one said I need to bond.

I'm scared of my next (5th session). I don't think it will go any differently and it is getting me just depressed being there, feeling anxious and literally failing at therapy. Yeah, I know that is not a thing, but I feel as if I am having an exam. I have no idea what to do. I can't just stop being anxious and it can take me years to get used to someone and T is just a person.

I know that having a therapy in the form of debate will not help me, but I am afraid that I can't do this. I don't even know what is this, and how to do it. :coopcray:

How do I not put up a defense? It is beyond me.

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I'm sorry therapy is such an ordeal.

I don't think the idea is to get used to T. The idea is to work on those defenses and weaken them, so that it doesn't take years anymore to be able to confide in someone.
If talking makes you very anxious, there is the ice cube thing they talked about in the documentary about bpd.

When my mind was blank, my therapist would ask me to close my eyes and take deep breaths for a little while. After that he'd ask me what came to mind. There was usually something.

Good luck for you 5th session.

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