So I'm roughly a week into my latest depression (no, the pattern never stops for me), and I've been thinking about lots of stuff in general. A few things in particular.
-Physical pain is a part of my depression. When I first encountered depression when I was 12-13, I don't think I had any aches and pains...But what I do remember is having the gnawing butterflies in my stomach feeling. Almost like being nauseous for months!
Over the past 10 years or so I have increasingly experienced vague physical aches along with the depression....even "mild" depression gives me a headache.
My meds do not help this, and whether or not aspirin and other otc meds do is doubtful as well.
-My social skills drastically deteriorate when I'm depressed. This past weekend some friends came over for a visit, and then again on Tuesday. Well, I tried to be as friendly as possible, but I really could have easily broken down crying in front of them. I actually felt like just crying and begging for help. I wish I could have done that, yet, what kind of host would I be if I did so? If I poured out my guts to them during a friendly visit? No, I passed on that and waited until after they left before crying.
-I am definitely a burden on my family. They, like my friends, are supportive of me overall and I so greatly appreciate that! But really, I'm just the depressed loser of the family. I know it and I'm sure they do as well, though they would likely never say such a thing.
I am most definitely a burden on my parents (financially) and my brother (who I live with and knows when I'm in a pit).
-I'll be traveling to Colorado to visit my parents, sister, nephew and nieces pretty soon. My brother and I will both be going, but we've arranged for a couple friends to house sit for us and take care of the cats, etc.
We're looking forward to this trip but the problem is that I have to completely zonk myself on klonopin just to make it on the plane. I have a terrible fear of flying, and as the day approaches so will my anxiety increase as it always does.
-And lastly, wow, I really wish my depression would lift soon! Just for a few weeks, is that so much to ask?
Thanks for reading. Hope you all are well.