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A Few Random Thoughts While Depressed

AloneGuy

Entry posted by AloneGuy ·

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So I'm roughly a week into my latest depression (no, the pattern never stops for me), and I've been thinking about lots of stuff in general. A few things in particular.

-Physical pain is a part of my depression. When I first encountered depression when I was 12-13, I don't think I had any aches and pains...But what I do remember is having the gnawing butterflies in my stomach feeling. Almost like being nauseous for months!

Over the past 10 years or so I have increasingly experienced vague physical aches along with the depression....even "mild" depression gives me a headache.

My meds do not help this, and whether or not aspirin and other otc meds do is doubtful as well.

-My social skills drastically deteriorate when I'm depressed. This past weekend some friends came over for a visit, and then again on Tuesday. Well, I tried to be as friendly as possible, but I really could have easily broken down crying in front of them. I actually felt like just crying and begging for help. I wish I could have done that, yet, what kind of host would I be if I did so? If I poured out my guts to them during a friendly visit? No, I passed on that and waited until after they left before crying.

-I am definitely a burden on my family. They, like my friends, are supportive of me overall and I so greatly appreciate that! But really, I'm just the depressed loser of the family. I know it and I'm sure they do as well, though they would likely never say such a thing.

I am most definitely a burden on my parents (financially) and my brother (who I live with and knows when I'm in a pit).

-I'll be traveling to Colorado to visit my parents, sister, nephew and nieces pretty soon. My brother and I will both be going, but we've arranged for a couple friends to house sit for us and take care of the cats, etc.

We're looking forward to this trip but the problem is that I have to completely zonk myself on klonopin just to make it on the plane. I have a terrible fear of flying, and as the day approaches so will my anxiety increase as it always does.

-And lastly, wow, I really wish my depression would lift soon! Just for a few weeks, is that so much to ask?

Thanks for reading. Hope you all are well.

-AG

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Lady Mozzer

I feel like that too AG.I feel like a burden to my family.I feel like the crazy loser in my family.

Hope you have a wonderful trip and no anxiety on the plane!

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AloneGuy

Hi and thanks Lady Mozzer :)

I'm really looking forward to the trip. It's too bad they haven't invented some type of teleportation device so I could just skip the plane altogether :)

Yeah, feeling like a burden is such a bad feeling isn't it? It's hard for me not to dwell on such thoughts when I'm so down.

Thank you for replying, and take care of yourself :)

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Shmooey

Yay for teleportation! I agree with you, flying is a hassle.

Those are some good insights about physical pain and social skills. I notice the same things myself, now that you mention it. My social skills pretty much suck though. lol

I feel like a burden too. I only have my husband, mom, and sister (and her husband), and I always feel like I'm a problem with my mental illness. They are supportive, but it's hard not to feel like a burden sometimes.

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AloneGuy

Thank you Shmooey!

I'm very glad that you have some loved ones that are supportive of you.

I've always thought that it's better to have a few supportive family/friends than it is to have many people around who don't truly care....But then yeah, I feel like a burden to them precisely because they are supportive. Like I don't really deserve it.

Have a great weekend! :)

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Phantastic Mirage

Oooh this sounds like it coincides with my latest entry a bit..with the social skills thing anyway..

A burden to the family..? That's a bit harsh. I know at times we can see that our depression may drag others down, but that's when I take advantage of help the most.. they want to help me feel better, I'll be happy to go along with it.... Makes me feel like someone loves me at least, hehe.. ^-^;

I hope your trip goes well <3 Good luck!

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LibraryLady

AG, your family loves you. Your brother obviously understands what you are going through. Have you talked to him about how you feel about flying? If not, I think you should let him know how stressful it'll be for you. That way he can be ready to help you as necessary. I really depend on my sisters and I don't feel that I'm a burden to them. Well, most of the time! :-)

You are a good person AG, you deserve a happy life. You are lucky to have a family that loves you and is supportive. Really enjoy their love and support when you go see them!

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