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Before I Talk Myself Out Of It...


evalynn

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~I often wonder why I get treated like a child, but when I stop and reflect, I realize that I act like one a good deal of the time. Is it possible for one's maturity to stagnate, or even fall backwards? If so, how will I ever stand on my own two feet?

~I spend an exorbitant amount of time trying to talk myself out of how I really feel. Not only do I judge my feelings--which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing most of the time--but I harbor them like fugitives instead of working through them. I'm never able to move on, because that would require exploring how I can change them and then actually doing something about it.

~Sometimes looking in the mirror and realizing that the person looking back at me is supposedly me is completely terrifying and not completely believable. The simple thought that I exist is more than I can do deal with at times, and I don't quite know when this started or how to snap out of it.

~I don't know how to live in the present moment. I live in the past and I live in the future, and the present is like an unloved relative that I ignore and often forget exists.

~I self-sabotage so often and so effictively that I don't even try to stop doing so when I'm conscious of it. It's like a game that I feel compelled to play.

~I feel like I've completely lost control, but I don't feel like trying to get it back yet. I feel like I'm falling in slow motion, and I know I'll eventually hit the ground, but I can't think that far ahead.

~The thing I hate the most about myself is my cowardice. There are times when I know what I should and could do, but just don't because the fear is easier.

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I'm sure you are doing the best you can with what you are dealing with. (hugs)

I've spent the last 2 days curled up in bed because I don't want to deal with anything. Everything is such a enormous chore.

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I'm so proud of you realizing all of this for yourself. I swear it's half the battle! I know it's so hard to look at myself and actually to see myself for all that I am right now, but I think it's the healthiest thing I can do for myself. Keep up the good work, even when it's freakin' hard.... I'm rooting for you!

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