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Change Is Hard To Do

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The problem with looking at yourself for who you really are is that, once done, you can't go back. The ignorance is gone, and even if you try to cling to that, deep down you'll know that you're desperately grasping onto a fading illusion. I think that's why I hear alarm bells whirring in my head anytime I approach some new discovery about myself. I don't want to see it, because I don't want it to be real. And I don't want it to be real, because that means I'm going to have to deal with it eventually. So, I suppose that what I'm really afraid of is my own inability to better myself. I try to convince myself that the sand I've dug my head into is actually quite pleasant and there is no need for me to stand tall and look into the mirror.

Now, I'm standing at a precipice. I think I know what I should do, but the fear is settling in. I may very well manage to gather the strength needed to do what I have to do, but once the adrenaline wears off, I will be left exhausted as I try to pick-up the pieces. And that's a really scary prospect.

On the other hand, what if I'm wrong and make a bad decision? I have to consider that side, as well, and what the fallout could be.

I have a lot to think about. I hope I don't spend too much time thinking, and miss the chance to act.

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((((eva)))) Change is so hard. I had a really difficult time confronting my stifled emotions. What is the most difficult part of change for you? The anticipation? The emotions surrounding it? People watching? Something else?

<3 you

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Thank-you, eternal. To answer your question, I think all of the factors you mentioned play a part in my fear of change. But if I had to pinpoint the main reason, I would say it's general fear of failure. I don't want to make a choice that makes things worse, or try my hardest only to fall on my face. Also, I'm afraid of alienating others. I don't want family to get angry or disappointed with me for my choices. Life would feel so much safer if I knew that I could depend on things staying the same. Of course, that's impossible though.

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