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Christmas


bh34465

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Yesterday, I went for my walk, and I came home feeling good (as good as I can). Then I found out something that just knocked the wind out of me. I can't go in to what it was, but it just seemed to zap away any positive, healthy progress I have made. At a time of day that I am usually feeling better and calmer, I felt low. I felt so fragile. I tried to just "live" with my feelings, as the technique of not looking at my feelings as good or bad, but just observing them seems to work for me. The natural inclination is to avoid, run away from, or fight certain feelings. It's just that sometimes I feel like I can't take anymore. I feel as if I have all I can handle as it is. How can any more be added to it?

I was so glad to have had some small, but positive things happen yesterday and today. I had been invited somewhere for Christmas, but decided it was not a good idea. When weighing being alone with being around negativity, being alone won out. I was going to be home alone for Christmas, and I was prepared for it. However, I have the chance to have dinner out with a group of people who, like me, were going to be alone on Christmas, or who don't celebrate Christmas. Last night, I got a visit from someone who had a gift for me. It was totally unexpected, and it came during the time I was really down. Then later, I received an email from someone who wanted to drop off some treats for me today. They were going to just drop them out front, but instead they knocked on the door. It was so good to see someone (I'm rarely around anyone lately), and to get a warm hug. I was offered a ride to dinner by some friends that are going. Not that I need a ride, but just to go along with someone.

Sometimes I think because I am hurting so much right now, I have the highest expectations of others. Maybe it is normal that if you have so much emptiness, it can seem like the occasional, small things that people do are so inadequate to fill the voids I have. Maybe they can't completely fill the void, but I think if I can realize through my depression that things are done through love, kindness, and compassion, that those small things can expand in me to fill at least some of the void.

It would be so easy, on this day especially, to absorb every negative feeling and thought. Who knows, maybe I will fall apart by day's end, but I want to grab on to every small moment, gesture, and act of kindness.

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I call grabbing on to those small things as "taking baby steps," bh. I think you did great yesterday by taking those baby steps.

Just as you had a call, an invitation to dinner, a visit from someone with a gift for you, and an email turned visit, you have people here at DF who are supporting, thinking about you, and cheering you onward to have better days. A lot of them may be silent supporters, but they are here.

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