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Slapped In The Face With Reality...



Hi everyone! I have not blogged in a while. And, I haven't been online much either. I love you all and I care so much about you and your fight towards wellness. Don't ever think I don't care just because I'm not online much!

I've been sick again, with another sinus infection. It has laid me low for almost two weeks. I have not been at work much and I've used up almost all of my sick leave. I think I have 17 hours left!

So, reality time. I don't think I can keep on working. The struggle to get up and get dressed and go to work is enormous. For those of you that don't know, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis on top of my depression, anxiety and eating problem. I'm obese because of my eating habits and my medications. I take 10 mg of Prednizone every day and have for almost 20 years. That by itself packs the weight on, and I take other meds that put the weight on too.

So, long story short, I have a hard time walking. I am using my stick more and more. I feel like hell most of the time, which makes me anxious and depressed. I don't feel like I'm holding up my end at work, which makes me anxious and depressed too! I had a crying fit in my office yesterday when I was talking to my office-mate about it. She is a very understanding lady and has been through a lot herself.

When I told her I was considering applying for disability, she said she had been hoping I would do that. She said she sees every day the struggle I go through. I didn't realize it was so obvious. Sigh. Of course I do walk with a cane, so it's pretty obvious.

Anyway, the route I'd have to take would be to apply with the Social Security Admin for disability. For a variety of reasons, it would be a lot less money than I make now. A lot. I'd have to appy for Medicaid too. I was trying to make it to retirement, but I don't think I can.

This means I'd have to give up my house. I love my house, but I don't want it to become a burden to me. I just would not be able to make the payments anymore with the cut in income that would happen. I'll be poor. I know I could find a little duplex or house to rent, but I just love my house and gardens. I've done a lot of landscaping and have finally gotten things looking the way I want.

So, I"m researching the application process. I do have two health conditions that the SS accepts: Rheumatoid Arthritis and Sjogren's Syndrome. That means that once I jump through all the paperwork hoops, I'll probably be approved. My big concern is how much money it will be, and can I live on it? This is a huge step for me and I feel like I'd be hanging out there on a limb in gale-force winds!

Needless to say, my sinus infection and the realization that I can't make it to retirement has caused me to sink into depression. My anxiety is also pretty high. Will I be able to keep seeing my Drs? Will I still be able to have my Remicade infusions? I have tons of questions. Those questions turn into worries.

I don't want to die homeless, in the gutter.

Update: 3:00 p.m. I am feeling better about it all. I know it's for the best. And the more research I do, the better I'll feel about it.

Oh, and I just posted some more pics on the gallery!


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((((((((LL))))))) I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. Having so much pain when walking must suck an awful lot. I'd twisted my ankle multiple times in the past and I remember how hard it was to walk around especially on stairs. And that was only for a few days. I think disability is a good idea considering how hard it is to get to work.. you'd have more time to concentrate on your health and perhaps relieve a bit of that stress. About your worries, I definitely can relate. I'm the same, thinking 10 steps in advance. I know saying this won't help much, but take it one step at a time. Things will resolve, in time.

sending you loads and loads of love and *hugs*

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Hello m'lady (((BIG HUGS)))

I'm so sorry to hear you've been laid low with another infection - it's hard enough dealing with mental issues, without physical things getting in the way too.

I agree with Brokenme above, about thinking things through 10 steps in advance. I know, I'm the same, pre-concieving what's going to happen, ruminating on current events. They all send your anxiety through the roof, and your depression on a downward spiral.

It seems like the most important thing for your right now is your health, and what it's allowing you to do and not do. If you can keep working great, but it sounds like it's getting more difficult in terms of working ability. You're definitely doing the right thing by researching what you can apply for and what you're entitled to. Then, you can make a more informed decision about what you are able to do moving forward?

You're not going to be homeless in the gutter, so don't think like that! You're a wonderful person who has added not only to my life, but to the lives of a lot of people on this forum. So take some strength in that sweetie!

Maybe worthwhile going to see your doctor just to talk things through, get a different persepctive on it?

Take care you, sending you loads of squeezy hugs.


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Hi Library Lady,

Sorry you haven't been feeling well and that you've been depressed. You remind me of my mom. She's struggles with depression, anxiety, arthritis, and a chiari. She has to wear a brace on one of her legs now and she's only in her forites.

What really reminds me of my mom in you is your tenacity, positive attitude, and caring nature.

I'm glad you're considering disability, but I know how it would feel to lose your house. Maybe there's a way you can keep it? I hope things work out for you

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Aww sweetie, I'm so sorry... My mom has degenerative arthritis, has for years, she's in her early 50s, so I've seen it. I've seen how difficult it is to move. She's trying to last until retirement as well.

Is there any sort of work you could do from home on a computer that would supplement your income?

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I´m so sorry for this temporary setback, but I also know you will come out OK and stronger. I think that you need to focus on your health for now and get whatever benefits you are entitled to. Please don´t feel bad about it, we pay ample towards the welfare system every year in taxes, so we have payed for it and it´s there to use when your health or other circumstances prevent you from working.

You have so much talent you can maybe supplement your income as Lily Rain suggests by working from home? Also, you are entitled to work up to a certain amount (at least in my country, check the US system) and get benefits. Here it´s up to 1200 US dollars per month if you have health benefits.

I don´t think you have to lose your house. Talk to a lawyer, find out if your entitled to a settlement and find ways to keep your house. In Scandinavia there are certains laws protecting the home owner, but you need a lawyer who can help you.

You won´t die homeless or in a gutter. No way. I know fear makes us think that way when we´re vulnerable, but you will be OK.


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Yes, there are things I can do. I've already started a quilting business with one of my sisters. The long-arm quilting machine is in my garage, which we have set up as a workroom. Also, I'm pretty sure the library where I work now would re-hire me on a part-time basis to do cataloging. That is a sitting-down, non-public job that I could do no matter how decrepit I became! And it would keep me in the library world some.

Also, I love to paint and I have sold some of my paintings. The most I got was $200 for a watercolor I did a few years ago. But, I want to get better, and if I can find a way to sell my paintngs, I would!

I was diagnoised with the RA when I was 35 years old. I'm going to be 57 next month (Nov.) So, I've been dealing with it and keeping it at bay for a long time.

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You amaze me all the time. You are such a beautiful person, and you sure do not deserve all that is going on for you right now. But there is so much strength inside you that i wish you were able to see for yourself.

I know you are having a hard time seeing this as a positive move but it is its taking a step towards looking after your self and your health witch is what you need to do right now for yourself.

sending you many hugz and love <3<3

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You are amazing. Very cheerfull towards others issues. I send you all my love and my hope to you. I have no idea how difficult it is to live like that. I am also a lit bit like you: I think too much in the future of things when they didn't even happen in the present... I like to think that this is a characteristic of people who do not like to be caught off the guard (I don't know if it is said like that...) and being so, we are special. We have a solution (normally more than one) for a problem. Of course it is stressfull, and rumination is horrible, but when I start being like that I just say to myself: I am so smart to be able to find so different solutions for the same problem!!! And I know you will! You are very strong and very beautifull!!!

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I hope you don't mind, I've added you as a friend. I've seen many of your posts and we always seem to have a lot in common, now the need for disability. I hope you won't give up on your dream home just yet, as I mentioned on one of your posts, there are a lot of government programs to help keep people from losing their houses. I've only had mine 2 years but I know what a sense of satisfaction it was and still is to me to be a home owner (took me 45 years!). I worry about when my son's child support ends and the social security I get for him, but there is SSI and I think my loan will adjust my payments so I can afford them (I have a USDA rural and development loan for low income, or in my case, very low income families). I may not live long enough to ever pay it off....but I'm hoping my son will grow up and get a good job so he won't lose it if something happens to me. In the meantime, it's just nice to be able to paint and hang a picture without having to worry about ticking off the landlord with another hole in the wall....

I hope it all works out for you!

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