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Somebody Please.....

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tell me that i'm not crazy, or mad......

Let me explain, I feel as if i am more than one person, and it is almost as if they have no regard for the person I am try SO SO hard to be. Now people always have been telling me not to believe that i am not a bad person, and defiantly not as bad as i seem to see myself. This is because the last few years i have had great control. Until recently, The things these 'other people' I would never. But really I do because I can only be one person. SO you see it has to be me. It makes me cry so much, just to write this because when ever i explain this to people they don't seem to understand. The bad things are not just small, they are HUGE. They break the law, steal, lie do everything that goes against the grains of the real person i am trying to be and of course the one person i want to actually be.

sorry that probably makes no sense what so ever to anybody. It hurts my head trying to explain it. Lets get back to the basic issues i guess i call it

Phil daughter will be coming here, we are not sure if she will be living here or just for a holiday but either way she is on her way here. I think she will chose to stay here because her Dad will give her a lot more freedom than her mother. But i have other things to worry about. She will be in My space. In my house. We will be together all day most or everyday because i do not work at the moment. And it seems that my partner and his dad have made out the plans of what i am going to be doing. Witch is getting a full time job so that we can buy my unit so that Phil's mum can come and live here. They have it all planed out for me. I didn't get to say what i wanted. I feel i have no control since i found out she might even be coming here i just have to go along. I know i should be happy and feel good that we finally get to spend time together as a family and i should be happy he finally gets to live with his daughter, instead i am scared anxious and irritable.

On Friday after pacing the house for 6 hours my partner talked me into taking a Valium because i just couldn't sit still and was very irritable. I have been feeling not in control the last few days. I hope it changes soon.

My biggest problem is that I am as BAD if not worse than most people think or see because i don't let anybody see what the 'other people' so because they are so horrible and disgusting and against the person i am or want to be.

i am not continuing on with therapy, But there is a place all i have to do is make a phone call and they will arrange to see me as they have a small background info on me so if i fall its there. But making a Phone call like that can be the hardest part if i realize i am falling again. But its nice to know i have a net if i need it. even if i don't need to use it.

Here is something i wrote to try help me understand, i'm not sure it worked but ahh well!!!!

The evil inside causes a horrible divide

between what i believe and what i hide

It's like i'm different people with no regard for the other

Each time i change i suffer for the other

Its a never ending cycle of forever change

its hard to keep up of all i do

its forever turning my head into a zoo.

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Aww I dont blame you for being stressed, that is alot to take on at once. I personally hate it when people make plans for me without asking me and expect me to be happy about it and go along with it, I find it really disrespectful like my opinion isn't being considered at all, so maybe you are feeling something similar which is totally resonable. With any life changes especially big ones like those people feel so stressed, even if it is good things. Just dont be too hard on yourself and try to set up boundaries with his daughter say that youneed your alone time at this certain time, and that way you can feel like you can relax because I know with mental disorders at least I always need to relax and unwind by myself once in awhile! It's so hard to keep up a "normal" strong front constantly, we are only human! lol

Good luck with everything just remember your opinion matters and you should have a say in everything that is going on around you, it's your life and your space too! but try to have fun with it also :) Good luck!

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You're not crazy, or mad. (I am! lol!)

I couldn't handle those changes you're about to experience, and the fact that you haven't really been consulted makes it worse. I can't imagine how hard it is for someone else to plan out your life like that. You're reacting completely normally!!

Sending you many hugs.

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We are here for you Nataya! I think talking to us and blogging will help reduce your stress. And, you are not crazy! I'd have reacted the same way to someone planning my life for me and not talking to me about it!

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Thanks shmooey! its really hard to believe that when i feel like so many different people at the moment when really i can not possible be more than one person =( But at least i have someone i can be mad with! i guess!

I don't know how i am going to get my space from her, we live in a one bedroom unit (we will have to move eventually) its gets crowded with the just 2 of us here and i can feel suffocated. So i wonder what its going to be like once she arrives everything about it makes it harder to breathe because i know how trapped and small its going to feel.

i tried to explain to my partner my feelings, and he just get angry and mad at me that i'm not excited about this. He gets so defensive like i am attacking her!it isn't HER it would be anybody!!! this is a 15 year old girl i know hardly anything about coming to live in MY space.

Its another set of judging eyes upon me, she has no clue what i am like or anything she know nothing.

No matter how upreared for this i need to be ready! she could be here in under 2 weeks!

We are here for you Nataya! I think talking to us and blogging will help reduce your stress. And, you are not crazy! I'd have reacted the same way to someone planning my life for me and not talking to me about it!

When you say you have reacted the same, you feel like you are more than one person? i know it sounds so crazy because i can't be more than one person but yet I've felt like this for so long its just been that my dominate main person what i want to be has been able to stay in control but she is starting to falter.

I am so sorry for all of this. Thank you so much all of you for your time and response and hugs i could use a million and one cuddles at the moment!!!

So thank you all very much from the bottom on my heart!!!!!!!

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