tell me that i'm not crazy, or mad......
Let me explain, I feel as if i am more than one person, and it is almost as if they have no regard for the person I am try SO SO hard to be. Now people always have been telling me not to believe that i am not a bad person, and defiantly not as bad as i seem to see myself. This is because the last few years i have had great control. Until recently, The things these 'other people' I would never. But really I do because I can only be one person. SO you see it has to be me. It makes me cry so much, just to write this because when ever i explain this to people they don't seem to understand. The bad things are not just small, they are HUGE. They break the law, steal, lie do everything that goes against the grains of the real person i am trying to be and of course the one person i want to actually be.
sorry that probably makes no sense what so ever to anybody. It hurts my head trying to explain it. Lets get back to the basic issues i guess i call it
Phil daughter will be coming here, we are not sure if she will be living here or just for a holiday but either way she is on her way here. I think she will chose to stay here because her Dad will give her a lot more freedom than her mother. But i have other things to worry about. She will be in My space. In my house. We will be together all day most or everyday because i do not work at the moment. And it seems that my partner and his dad have made out the plans of what i am going to be doing. Witch is getting a full time job so that we can buy my unit so that Phil's mum can come and live here. They have it all planed out for me. I didn't get to say what i wanted. I feel i have no control since i found out she might even be coming here i just have to go along. I know i should be happy and feel good that we finally get to spend time together as a family and i should be happy he finally gets to live with his daughter, instead i am scared anxious and irritable.
On Friday after pacing the house for 6 hours my partner talked me into taking a Valium because i just couldn't sit still and was very irritable. I have been feeling not in control the last few days. I hope it changes soon.
My biggest problem is that I am as BAD if not worse than most people think or see because i don't let anybody see what the 'other people' so because they are so horrible and disgusting and against the person i am or want to be.
i am not continuing on with therapy, But there is a place all i have to do is make a phone call and they will arrange to see me as they have a small background info on me so if i fall its there. But making a Phone call like that can be the hardest part if i realize i am falling again. But its nice to know i have a net if i need it. even if i don't need to use it.
Here is something i wrote to try help me understand, i'm not sure it worked but ahh well!!!!
The evil inside causes a horrible divide
between what i believe and what i hide
It's like i'm different people with no regard for the other
Each time i change i suffer for the other
Its a never ending cycle of forever change
its hard to keep up of all i do
its forever turning my head into a zoo.