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Emotions, Birthday And Sleep Workshop




Yesterday I came to a conclusion which I think I've known all my life but never really recognized the severity of it. I experience emotions on a very high level and that has a huge impact on me physically. I realize this is true for most people, but I think some people have a wider range of emotions. I think those people are predisposed or prone to depression. I don't think this is a personal flaw, or something that has to be cured, just something that we need to find a way to cope with. I think we should not adjust to the world but the other way around! I guess emotions are the beacon of our sub consciousness and they try to speak to us? Well this is just a thought.

Anyway what I wanted to say is that when I first started playing games I remember my whole body would react on something that was happening on the screen. Also I remember I avoided any kind of news since I was very young (before puberty), because they made me feel awful, angry, sad and in rage. Later in my life I have a few attempts to try following the news but always with a bad consequences. So I've noticed when I experience different emotions my attitude changes so the physical feelings in my body. I think this is one reason why I can't hide an emotion (it's on my face!) and I think I have to accept that this is normal for me and this is how I am going to be for the rest of my life. It's not easy. Most people would say I overreact when I'm actually downplaying. I think being depressed is a nice way of not feeling anything.


This morning I woke up and there was a surprise for me left in the kitchen. It was so unexpected! It surprised me and made me smile. And than it made me sad. Why HAPPY and GOOD THINGS MAKE ME FEEL BAD? One reason is that I associate with the past. The other thing is I start to wonder what is expected from me now? Every single good gesture towards me is a HEAVY BURDEN for me that I feel I can't deal with. I think that is one reason for avoiding all good things. Because they make me feel awful. So they are not really good! My first reaction when I saw the surprise was happiness, no one ever did that for me (in my whole life) and now every time I think or look at it I feel anxious and very very sad. I wish nobody game me a present. It scares me. It makes me feel pathetic, I don't know how to react.

3. Sleep workshop

In the middle of March I'm going to attend a day long sleep workshop. Before that I am supposed to start filling a sleep diary and it is very difficult. How many times did I woke up during a night? How long was I awake during the night? Seems impossible. recently I started using an Android application to monitor my sleep (it is used to wake you up but I'm more interested in the chart). So the application picks up movement and you calibrate it before you go to sleep. I tried to find what a normal chart looks like and the only one I found was in the screenshots of the program where (probably the developer) had tried the application and for 7-8 hours of sleep there was about 20 peaks (which indicate a major movement and being awake or very light sleep), while mine was almost 150 for about 6 hours of sleep. It also indicated very accurately that it took me an hour and a half to fall asleep, but I had a problem with my heartbeat that was distracting me.

So I'm looking forward to the sleep workshop, it says that relaxation methods will be shown, but in general my problem is with the inability to stay fully asleep and the inability to not move, and from what I read in the leaflet those are another kind of problems that will not be covered.

Anyway I'm looking forward to it. It's gonna be a source of information and hopefully it will help me evaluate things better.

4. FRIDAY: I have my appointment for the counseling. It will be on 5th of March. Another two weeks of waiting, but I'm happy I was contacted on the phone, not waiting for a letter to arrive for weeks.

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Do you also experience pleasurable emotions on a very high level?

"I think being depressed is a nice way of not feeling anything"... This can have the advantage of not feeling the negative emotions, but if you don't feel them you'll never feel the good ones. It's important to create conditions in your life that are auspicious for pleasurable emotions.

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