I had a meeting for coffee today with a few friends. Nobody confirmed me the hour and place so I decided the meeting is off. I decided to ask my mother a few questions instead. Tried my best not to sound like I'm accusing her of something and she even admitted things otherwise she would never say are true. So in the beginning of the conversation with her I receive a call from my friends, which are waiting for me and I say ok, when I'm finished I'll come. This conversation with my mom I started because as far as I knew there was no meeting and it is very important conversation since I'm trying to figure out some things from the past and I rarely talk to my mom (once few months or years and only chat on skype. I can't handle her otherwise and often chat is too much as well). So I finish this conversation and I'm so happy to go and see my friends, to have some laugh and distract my mind from everything that has happened these days. Including me being scared and wondering if I should go to the AnE and all the physical pain and all the memories that came while talking to my mother. I just needed some time out of all of this. So I texted them I'm going and they said: we are waiting. When I went there the first was a remark of how late I am and I know it is a joke, and I even laughed and gave a response to it though in the past something like that would offend me greatly. And then I said are we going to sit somewhere else (because I know it is Sunday and the coffee shop will close any moment). One friend said - I don't have money (so why didn't they sit somewhere else in the first place esp when this was something that we talked about many times?) and the other one said - well we were just getting up. So what you mean is that I came and you are all going? And I said, ''well why did you tell me to come'' with a very angry voice, because I was really looking forward to seeing them and really needed it and they were telling me they were going home. And the second person said, well why did you come so late. And I said that I texted the first person and that person said that they were waiting for me. At that moment the first person said in a very condensending and patronising voice -oh, please I can't deal with this now. Of course I never expressed how I feel and how hurt I am so I just said - yeah me too and left. Walked home trying not to cry and feeling bad over loosing three more friends. One of them even knows about my depression and hope she doesn't use it against me. I just feel so bad now. I was thinking of sending them a message and explaining why I reacted the way I did but the truth is that I am so hurt by that, I feel again abandoned, worthless to other people and completely alone in this world. Many times they asked me what is wrong and I said I'm not sharing because I don't think they will understand and never they showed any kind of understanding. I've always felt like 'the third wheel'', so I guess this is finally over!
No one ever loved me, not my father (to the words of my mom), and not my mother. I wish I was dead. I wish when I was holding that knife I had really stabbed my mom and than killed my self. i'm tired of looking for happiness that doesn't exist and disappointing in people. I know no one can fill the void in me. I'm only suppressing everything and trying to act normal in front of people but I can't even manage that. People don't get me and I know it is my fault but I don't have the power to change. I don't feel like I need to, I think this is me and people should either accept me or sod off.
Sometimes when I cross the road I have to remind myself that I have to wait for the cars to be gone. I just start walking on the road and not think. Sometimes I'm so tired I forget to look before I cross. I don't do it on purpose. Sometimes I feel the need to bang my head. I recently did it in front of people. I just couldn't, the pressure was too much. I find it helpful to release the pain. I want to be free, from the memories, from the present, from myself. I don't even see a point of getting 'better'. I don't have any real friends, I don't have a job that I like, I don't like people at all, I can't stand living with other people because it is very stressful. I constantly expect to be told off, I don't want to have any kids because I can't control my anger the way my mom couldn't (and she even admit it to me). Why do I continue to struggle and fight in a battle that I can never win?
I know a lot of people will say this is the depression talking and that the depression lies, but I don't think so. I think some people are happy and some are not and this is our essence. For the happy once the down days are rare and untypical, but not for us. We are not depressed, this is just our view of life. This is how we deal with problems and the few happy days we have are untypical for us and difficult to achieve. Because they are unnatural in a way for our own being. They are something that we feel is not us and we have to get back to our old self. To our small world where no body can see what is happening and what are we really feeling. And though we hope no one can really help us, because we don't need help. We just have to accept ourselves. We see the truth. That people don't really connect and love each other. Everybody is a player trying to achieve their own agenda or fill their own void. Life a tower of cards but people don't want to be told they live in it because the realization will make it collapse. When you try to tell them they say - Oh, you have such a negative thinking. We have to cure you from the negative thinking. And they say - You are depressed, we will show you ways to make you believe you are happy. And when you do it you will feel happy, but you will loose yourself. You will have to change. To let go of everything that makes you, you. And they give you pills to change your chemistry, but isn't human body extraordinary. It can fight infection and so much more, is it really faulty? OR this is how they teach us, so that we are the bad once, because they need to support their card tower, because they are not really happy.
I'm empty now.