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Absent Mind

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All The Questions And Fear And Obsession.


absent

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I think I might be either borderline or suffer from PTSD. I know it is not only the depression.

In 10 days I'm gonna have an appointment, then I'll have between 4 and 8 short guided self help sessions. I'm terrified that I might be misdiagnosed and not treated properly. I know I cover all the symptoms for avoidant and borderline but I don't want to get to any assumptions and diagnose myself since I know it might be just in my head. I always say to myself 'No, I'm just being delusional about it'. Than some more information about BPD comes into my attention and the more I look into it the more it looks like me. I just don't cover all the symptoms at the moment because I avoid all possible triggers. I have no relationships and try not to rely on people due to trust issues, but still If someone is two minutes late for a meeting with me I feel like all hell broke loose on me. I feel like a small child that everybody hates. Few years ago I stopped talking to my 'best' friend (or what I can call a friend), because she was never on time. I was so hurt by that. Last week the family I live with got a small kitty for their daughter. If that kitten doesn't pay attention to me I think she doesn't love me anymore, and how can she love me when she just arrived and anyway I'm not lovable. Because of feelings like this that cause me great stress and because of other reasons still unknown to me I avoid any kind of relationship. Event a hint from a man that he likes me makes me act aggressively and angry - everything to make him dislike me before he can see me as I am, my ugly true self, and hurt me even more. Some years ago I started screaming hysterically even to the very slight suggestion of a development between me and another person that in general I like. I started crying and ran home. I think I screamed so much the hole neighbourhood heard me. And I was not a child or a teen. I was in my early twenties.

I'm also scared about the appointment. As far as I know myself, I'll say nothing of everything I want to say. My mind just blanks out.

I'm also scared of the option that any of those two possibilities (ptsd or bpd) might be true. Maybe that will explain why I never found anyone to understand me. Recently I started asking my self, 'was I abused and neglected'? I don't know. It took me years to forget my childhood. Most of it now is just a blank space.

Sometimes people ask me: ''What happened to you that you are like this''. And I say nothing happened. Because there is nothing really in my memory (like a single event) that can indicate something happening. So is it all real? Or is it all in my head? Is it ptsd or just sensitive over reaction of a bpd person?

Or is it the depression? I feel like I lost my life, many many years ago. I feel all chance to become someone I want or to be happy has been taken away from me. I felt guilty for the fact I exist for years. I want to have someone I can say everything I want and that person to believe me, not to react as if I am over exaggerating. All my life I've been blamed for lying, being overly sensitive, making up things or being delusional. Maybe it is all true. I don't want to blame. I'm fed up with me and the way I feel and how disfunctional I am. I feel there is no way out for me. I feel like something is missing. I don't know what. But I know I'll never find it. People always say to me things to make me feel better. They say the time will come. It will happen or you will find it. Well I've waited more than 10 years and still I haven't changed and haven't found my missing part. I don't know. I really need some professional help. I guess I'll continue to live the way I do. Avoiding people, situations, conversations. When people ask me questions I will continue to pretend I don't hear them. I will have to find a way to numb the pain and the anger. I've managed 10 years, maybe I'll manage 10 more!

I think I'll write down what I want to say in a letter and hand it to the therapist because I know I will forget everything or get confused.

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