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Starting Out On My Journey

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I went to see my psychologist yesterday and she told me she's not sure that I have Dysthymia even though I was diagnosed, which is good, but kind of bothers me because it is nice to have a reason for feeling so crappy. She said she thinks that I just tend to get depressed during stressful situations, but wants to work with me and talk with me until we have exhausted our options with cognitive therapy.

I really like her, she's probably around 65 and has a PHD which is good because I immediately respect her education and she is old enough to be my mother so I do see her as a kind of elder apart from the psychologist side. While we're talking she pulls down medical books off her shelf and reads me the actual medical terminology and we discuss it and what it means - and if we agree with it. Its quite a change from the therapist who just listens to you talk - I don't really need a shoulder to cry on anymore so its nice to have actually found a good psychologist who realizes that I'm ready to make a change and need the right tools and a teacher.

So I started Fluoxetine yesterday. She thinks it will help me get though my divorce and this tough time, but doesn't want me on it more than nine months. I will be going back in to see her again in 10 days. Until then I have some homework. I am supposed to start reading up on Mindfulness - she really likes Jon Kabat-Zin and told me to do some research.

I am also supposed to start making a list of any re-accuring patterns that I see in my thoughts over the next ten days. This is going to be hard for me because I am already so observant of my thoughts...so involved in them and already analyze them that just in the time since I left her office yesterday I haven't really found any thoughts that should be causing me so much distress. I'm beginning to wonder if the constant observation of mine is the problem....if that is what is causing me the anxiety and depression - that its just so exhausting weighing and judging myself like I do...

I also dropped off the divorce papers to my ex yesterday and then he called me in the evening to ask me if I was sure - which is absolutely ridiculous after everything he has done and said. I got really angry and yelled at him and eventually had to hang up because he repeatedly changes the subject and piles on the guilt trips. Its really sad when someone just can't accept the truth. Its like a person beating a dog and then when the dog won't come to them when they call they say "Well you were never a good dog anyhow..." He actually told me that when he married me he thought we would be together forever, not that I would leave as soon as it stopped being convenient - yeah, its not convenient anymore for my psyche or my heart - but whatever, we'll ignore the fact that you told me to leave in the first place.

When I think about this situation and him, I just get angry. Really really angry. I know the truth and I know what is right, but I have doubts....I doubt myself too much, I'm too insecure. Even though I know what he says doesn't make sense and actually quite psycho I still question myself...still get afraid that I'm not doing the right thing. In relation to my depression and anxiety I think that kind of goes hand in hand with me analyzing my thoughts all the time....so afraid to do the wrong thing and of being a bad person. I want to believe in fairy tales and true love and that everyone is a good person, and he plays on that and piles on the guilt trips. I need to stop questioning myself, and I need to stop expecting everyone around me to live up to this grandiose ideas I have - maybe that would minimize some of my disappointment in life.

Anyways, so that's where I am today. I woke up this morning and took my medicine and felt a twinge of sadness. I think just because I can't wait for it to kick in. It kind of sucks because I have never wanted to be on anti-depressants but find myself really wanting some relief so I think I could manage it for nine months - especially if it helps. I just hope that if someone reads this fist post and in two weeks I start going TOO far over into the bubbly happy side that they say something. I don't want to be an un-natural happy, but I don't know that I can tell the difference.

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