Last night I was alone at home. My roommates, who happen to be my boyfriend and one of my brothers, went to go play Magic: The Gathering at their friend's house. I was down and laying on the couch, as per usual, and my boyfriend kept asking if I was going to be OK, that I should do something, etc. He was trying to help and gt a little mad that I was being uncooperative, but at the time I was upset that I was going to be alone and didn't want to do anything. He kept asking if I wanted him to stay, and I secretly did, but I didn't want to ruin his night. I also need to learn that I'm going to be alone sometimes; nobody is going to be with me all the time.
So they left after a bit, and I lay there for a moment, then hop on the computer before deciding I was just going to sleep. But when I decided that, the next thought that ran through my head frightened me:
"Yeah I'll just go to sleep, and never wake up."
Personally, even with my issues, I've never contemplated taking my own life. I've always thought that it wasn't the right way, no matter how I felt or what position I was in. It wasn't worth it to me.
I don't know how that ever crossed my mind, especially as such a verbal thought, but it did, and I was scared. Not that I was going to unwillingly take my own life right there or something, it scared me more that it was there for just that split second. Then, my paranoia and my mother's little worries she pounded into me when I was young started to kick in; what if I have like, a heart attack in my sleep? What if there's an electrical fire from the space heater? What if this and that...
I lay down anyway, still worried to death. I text my boyfriend and try to explain to him why I want him to text me every so often to wake me up, without telling him why. I wanted to tell him, but I also didn't want him to think I was actually trying to take my life. I've been hesitant in telling my boyfriend about my issues, cause he's talked about how crazy his previous girlfriends have been. I've been with him for three years now, and I love him and he loves me, and we've both decided we're in this relationship for the long haul. I'm just afraid if I tell him these things, he'll begin to think I'm another crazy girlfriend waiting to happen and dump me. That's the very last thing I need right now.
But obviously, I woke up and I'm here this morning, feeling a lot better. I haven't done anything yet today, even showered. I should.