It's been a long time since I've been here, but for some reason I felt compelled to peek in here tonight. I've seen a few familiar names, and a lot of new ones. A new look, change and growth, time and motion, it's all expected, familiar but different.
It's sort of like when I went through the old neighborhood in Augusta GA last year. The same, but different. I used to be here several times a day. Once the anxiety started kicking in, I had trouble participating. Still do. I'm surprised to be here myself, I quit forums altogether, except for one that I still message an old friend on from time to time.
The forums are kind of like me. The same, but different. I've already chronicled some of the events of last year here, namely the loss of both of my grandmothers, but also my aunt's mother, a neighbor I've known all my life, and most recently my Spanish teacher passed away from cancer. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, so all of this has not helped me at all.
Also in the past year, my anxiety has gotten out of hand, I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and each depression med I try seems to work less and less. They're working, but not as good. It seems they work well for the major depression, but the dysthymia has worn me down - especially since the fibro is in the mix as well. I've given up trying to find a job that I can do with major depression, dysthymia, social anxiety, and fibromyalgia, and with the support of my counselor I've applied for disability. That's been a blow to my ego, and I feel even more useless than before I applied - but rationally speaking, I know that in my current state I must be aware of my limits and not go pushing myself too far and having everything come crashing down again. I finally had to admit to myself that my job performance was suffering before I was laid off, and was the reason I was laid off. I also know that others at work commented that the management were being very unfair to me, presumably in an effort to get rid of me. When the junior in the department is handling fifty to seventy percent of the daily revenue, when there are three senior members of the department splitting the balance, something's definitely up. I was going home crying every night. I haven't cried in a long time. I'm all cried out.
I'm also about to run out of my unemployment, while waiting for my disability determination to be made. The world is a very cold and lonely place right now. Wish I had some good news, but good news is apparently extinct. I hope there's some reason for this life being what it is, but to me the more I try to make sense of it, the less sense it makes. It's hard to give up and admit that I'll never understand some things, but sometimes I manage it.
I just hope someday all this makes sense.