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Time And Motion

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DeeBear

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It's been a long time since I've been here, but for some reason I felt compelled to peek in here tonight. I've seen a few familiar names, and a lot of new ones. A new look, change and growth, time and motion, it's all expected, familiar but different.

It's sort of like when I went through the old neighborhood in Augusta GA last year. The same, but different. I used to be here several times a day. Once the anxiety started kicking in, I had trouble participating. Still do. I'm surprised to be here myself, I quit forums altogether, except for one that I still message an old friend on from time to time.

The forums are kind of like me. The same, but different. I've already chronicled some of the events of last year here, namely the loss of both of my grandmothers, but also my aunt's mother, a neighbor I've known all my life, and most recently my Spanish teacher passed away from cancer. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, so all of this has not helped me at all.

Also in the past year, my anxiety has gotten out of hand, I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and each depression med I try seems to work less and less. They're working, but not as good. It seems they work well for the major depression, but the dysthymia has worn me down - especially since the fibro is in the mix as well. I've given up trying to find a job that I can do with major depression, dysthymia, social anxiety, and fibromyalgia, and with the support of my counselor I've applied for disability. That's been a blow to my ego, and I feel even more useless than before I applied - but rationally speaking, I know that in my current state I must be aware of my limits and not go pushing myself too far and having everything come crashing down again. I finally had to admit to myself that my job performance was suffering before I was laid off, and was the reason I was laid off. I also know that others at work commented that the management were being very unfair to me, presumably in an effort to get rid of me. When the junior in the department is handling fifty to seventy percent of the daily revenue, when there are three senior members of the department splitting the balance, something's definitely up. I was going home crying every night. I haven't cried in a long time. I'm all cried out.

I'm also about to run out of my unemployment, while waiting for my disability determination to be made. The world is a very cold and lonely place right now. Wish I had some good news, but good news is apparently extinct. I hope there's some reason for this life being what it is, but to me the more I try to make sense of it, the less sense it makes. It's hard to give up and admit that I'll never understand some things, but sometimes I manage it.

I just hope someday all this makes sense.

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(((((((((((DeeBear)))))))))

It is so good to see you. I am sorry that things have still not turned around for you. They will turn around eventually. I truly believe that. Remember that nothing bad ever happens without a good reason, so there is going to be so much good coming your way.

We do miss you here.

Trace

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:hearts: (((((((((((((Dee))))))))))))))

Trace said it all for me.

Miss you my friend. If you ever want to talk about Fibro, Other Disorders Forum.........

~Lindsay

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(((((Trace)))))

(((((Lindsay)))))

I know you'll understand when I say that I miss me too. So much has happened in the last couple of years I think it's going to take at least a couple more to sort things out. All I know is that it's been a long way down, so I might as well get used to the idea that it'll be a long way back up again.

Take care,

Dewayne

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((((((Dee))))))

I'm so sorry to hear about the fibro and your struggle with the effectiveness of meds. There's got to be reasons for the things we go through. I have hope that, like the song says: "we'll understand it better by and by."

Keep posting & blogging, I'll be around and maybe I'll start up my blog again or maybe, make a whole new one. I have my good days but sometimes, the crud & the crazy can get me down.

Your situation is much like my daughter's she's married to a good guy (well that's not like yours) :innocent: but, she's suffering more anxiety, some OCD traits and some physical problems, as well. She can't stick with a job. She's tried but can't keep her energy up. She has a great psychiatrist and therapist, thank goodness.

You'll make it through this--you're persistent and you have strengths you don't realize.

I'm sending good thoughts,

Aerial

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(((((Aerial)))))

Great to hear from you, it's been a long time.

Sometimes I think that the more I think about things, the less sense they make. I have to periodically turn off my mind so that I don't overanalyze things and suffer from what one man I've met calls "analysis paralysis."

I have been talking with another doc who's retired, but says he can help me with the fibro more than the docs I'm seeing. I trust him, he's a very intelligent man and one retired nurse I know says he's the best doctor he's ever worked with. We'll see.

For now, the roller coaster continues. I like carnival rides, but I wish I could get off of this one.

Take care,

Dewayne

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