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Aug 24 - Sept 13 2005

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The EC has brought in a working time directive which limits the number of hours that people can work. This affects Junior Drs and the hours that they can work. Because of this the Royal Cornhill Hospital (my local psych hospital) are stopping people from just presenting themselves at the reception and asking to see a psychiatrist, they have to go through their own dr (GP) or the emergency services. But if like me you are thinking what of the people who are already outpatients, the hospital has created a list of Enhanced Access to certain patients who are able to contact the hospital without going through their dr. Those people who "have been ill before, who have been at some risk when unwell and who are already linked in with the psychiatric services...if they feel they require urgent treatment". My pdoc has offered to put me on this list! Its a weird feeling, on the one hand it means he recognises that I may/have at times needed urgent treatment (inpatient for instance) and yet it seems to say to me that I'm at risk of being quite ill. Its a weird feeling. Also pdoc and I talked about how I was feeling - l ike I'll never really get back to the state I was in prior to 2001 (maybe it wasn't all that great but I seemed to be able to cope). He talked about how the quality of my life was important, because even he admits to not knowing if I'll ever get back to 'what I once was'. admiting to that and hearing that makes me sad. I also said that I have lost a lot of confidence even thought I never had much confidence. I'm not sure I can cope any more or even cope with my job (which is still there even though I've been off on sick leave since April 23 2003. He said that was something that I'd never had admitted 4 years ago. He says I have 'changed' so maybe the TC is having an effect on me. feeling sad. taffycat Aug 24 2005, 04:01 PM (((Eileen)))I'm glad that you talked to him, but sad that you're still feeling badly. firelizardee Aug 28 2005, 08:18 PM thankyou TCbeen feeling 'bored' today. Not often that that happens. Read a little, watched TV even went for a shower and washed my hair. Thought about going out for a drive but couldnl't think of where to go. Don't feel like going out for a walk, I think I'm scared to go out in case I get angry at people. I have in the passed shouted and screamed at people and beat on their cars, not a pretty site. Even told off people for cycling in areas where cycling is not allowed. I just can't stop myself and I end up feeling worse. firelizardee Aug 28 2005, 08:23 PM had problems with Internet Explorer so going to change to Netscape. to #### with MS and bill gates. been talking a lot about Anger in small groups at the TC. I don't deal with my anger I just vent it. Don't handle it very well, don't talk to people about being angry I just get angry and it builds up and up and then it comes out, usually towards the wrong people. breathe slowly and deeply. The EC has brought in a working time directive which limits the number of hours that people can work. This affects Junior Drs and the hours that they can work. Because of this the Royal Cornhill Hospital (my local psych hospital) are stopping people from just presenting themselves at the reception and asking to see a psychiatrist, they have to go through their own dr (GP) or the emergency services. But if like me you are thinking what of the people who are already outpatients, the hospital has created a list of Enhanced Access to certain patients who are able to contact the hospital without going through their dr. Those people who "have been ill before, who have been at some risk when unwell and who are already linked in with the psychiatric services...if they feel they require urgent treatment". My pdoc has offered to put me on this list! Its a weird feeling, on the one hand it means he recognises that I may/have at times needed urgent treatment (inpatient for instance) and yet it seems to say to me that I'm at risk of being quite ill. Its a weird feeling. Also pdoc and I talked about how I was feeling - l ike I'll never really get back to the state I was in prior to 2001 (maybe it wasn't all that great but I seemed to be able to cope). He talked about how the quality of my life was important, because even he admits to not knowing if I'll ever get back to 'what I once was'. admiting to that and hearing that makes me sad. I also said that I have lost a lot of confidence even thought I never had much confidence. I'm not sure I can cope any more or even cope with my job (which is still there even though I've been off on sick leave since April 23 2003. He said that was something that I'd never had admitted 4 years ago. He says I have 'changed' so maybe the TC is having an effect on me. feeling sad. firelizardee Aug 28 2005, 08:23 PM also doing the bored eating thing - checking out the fridge. But I've eaten all the sweet things I had, only things left are cheese and biscuits. Away to have a voddy and orange. firelizardee Aug 29 2005, 06:07 PM had been writing in here but somehow pressed some keys and suddenly I'm back on a previous page. I'll try and remember what I wrote. Talked about how I can't believe that people like me. Learned not to trust people saying they liked me back in primary school. But this isn't primary school, so why do I stick to this. Its safer, I won't get hurt. I don't feel care and liking as deeply as other people do. Do I think I'll be missed when I leave the TC? Not much. I don't get close to people (still). talked about either seeing or writing to my mother about my wanting to be an organ donor. I carry a donor card and am on the donor organ register, but she may be down as my next of kin. I won't go and see her. Didn't have lunch at TC today, was going to eat at a place called Moonfish but its closed on Mondays. So I ended up at the Prince of Wales pub, for a pint and a meal.oh and I bought another pottery cat (blackish with one purple and one green eye) and a book. Ate, came home and dozed for a bit. dan Aug 29 2005, 07:36 PM I would LOVE to eat at the Prince of Wales pub.....we Yanks have a romantic idealized vision of the Eng-sorry Scottish pub, sorta like Fitzgerald's on BallyK. Don't shatter my delusions, Eileen....hope you had a great pint, as my drinking days are done for the forseable future. firelizardee Aug 30 2005, 04:17 PM think wood pannelling, old wood floors, wooden topped bar with hand pumps, all fairly dark with mirrors. Good pub, one of the oldest in Aberdeen, certainly the one with the longest bar. Eileen dan Aug 30 2005, 06:10 PM Aaaaahhhhhhh......perfect. firelizardee Aug 31 2005, 06:12 PM one of the best pubs for real ale firelizardee Sep 8 2005, 05:20 PM got quite angry today with another member of the TC, she is such a venemous character who thinks she is 'iller' than anyone else, complains about boundaries being broken but thinks she is entitled to break them herself. AAAAArrrghfh.during an exchange she gives me the finger. What a nasty piece of work she is. B#t~~ firelizardee Sep 12 2005, 02:36 PM she was told to go home today and think about what she did on Thursday. She has to learn to control herself. It sounds like one more stooshie like Thursday and she'll have got herself discharged. Eileen firelizardee Sep 13 2005, 09:13 PM something happened today. The Occupation Health Dr has written to my psychiatristd and to the manager of the Therapeutic Community, saying that they'll offer me a medical retirement. I only know this cos the two of them want my input into the reports they each have to write. I don't know what to do! I can't make that decision, death looks preferable.

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