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Missing Person

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DeeBear

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It's been quite some time since I've been here. Wish I could say things have improved.

Since my last entry, Mrs. P, my step grandmother, has passed away in September, my grandfather has just had a stroke last week but completely recovered by the next day, miraculously.....and me? I've been sliding physically and mentally until I don't believe I can continue to function if I get any worse. I'm barely getting by as it is.

My counselor has been encouraging me to look into getting disability, and I think it's my only choice now. The depression, anxiety, and fibro pain & fatigue have all proven to be a perfect storm which has drained me of my last ounce of energy. Though I maintain a hopeful outlook on the surface, inside there's nothing but pain. The depression is constant now, punctuated by periods where I can hurt no more and the anhedonia takes its place.

I don't know why I felt compelled to come back tonight, guess I was just thinking of better days, and of friends long gone from here who I hope have moved on to happier lives. I certainly wouldn't wish them to be back here, like me, struggling even worse than when I joined. But then again, I wouldn't wish my life on anyone.

It may be better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but to have hope and lose it......somehow I feel it would have been better never to have had it. Then I wouldn't know what I was missing. I am a missing person. Or more accurately, I am missing the days when I was a person.

It's no wonder why I'm still single. Who in the hell would want to deal with someone as screwed up as I am?

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Hey Dee,

It's been a while... Just wanted to say I'm sorry to read you're not doing well. So sorry to hear about Mrs P's passing as well.

I've been back here a few times over the last few weeks although, in a way, I didn't want to be here. Guess you know what I mean.

Take care (((Dewayne)))

Autumn

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(((((Autumn)))))

Yeah, I'm afraid I do know what you mean. Great to hear from you, I've been wondering how you've been. I just wish we were here exchanging good news.....

(((((Hugs,)))))

Dewayne

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Yeah, its been awhile since I've been back here too.

On the one hand, I am sorry to see you back here but one the other hand, it is good to know that you are still alive and kickin' even if you feel sh*tt*. I hope that makes a little bit of sense. :\

XXXOOO

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It must be so hard right now, losing people who were close to you. Glad to hear, though, that you feel you have a place to come and share and realize that there are people here who care about you.

We're all still here because the pain just hasn't gone away.

Hang in there, DeeBear -- I've missed reading your blogs.

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(((((Bede))))) - Sorry, I thought I'd replied to your comment. My mind is really gone these days. Yeah, what you're saying makes sense to me, and I appreciate it.

(((((OTR))))) - I wish our pain would go away. Mine has moved in and taken over recently, and refuses to be evicted. On the one hand, I wish these forums weren't needed, but on the other, I'm glad they're here, even though I'm not availing myself of them much. Thanks for reading, and I certainly hope that you can get some relief, because every little bit helps.

Take care,

Dewayne

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