It's been quite some time since I've been here. Wish I could say things have improved.
Since my last entry, Mrs. P, my step grandmother, has passed away in September, my grandfather has just had a stroke last week but completely recovered by the next day, miraculously.....and me? I've been sliding physically and mentally until I don't believe I can continue to function if I get any worse. I'm barely getting by as it is.
My counselor has been encouraging me to look into getting disability, and I think it's my only choice now. The depression, anxiety, and fibro pain & fatigue have all proven to be a perfect storm which has drained me of my last ounce of energy. Though I maintain a hopeful outlook on the surface, inside there's nothing but pain. The depression is constant now, punctuated by periods where I can hurt no more and the anhedonia takes its place.
I don't know why I felt compelled to come back tonight, guess I was just thinking of better days, and of friends long gone from here who I hope have moved on to happier lives. I certainly wouldn't wish them to be back here, like me, struggling even worse than when I joined. But then again, I wouldn't wish my life on anyone.
It may be better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but to have hope and lose it......somehow I feel it would have been better never to have had it. Then I wouldn't know what I was missing. I am a missing person. Or more accurately, I am missing the days when I was a person.
It's no wonder why I'm still single. Who in the hell would want to deal with someone as screwed up as I am?