And if I only could have figured that out so much sooner. But I remember it to the day when I as a lonely college freshman gushed to my mother about how sad and lonely I was being so many miles away. I believe really my only purpose for going to a school so far away was to get away from the saddness and chaos of my home life. I thought if I pushed my self to be out on my own I would just renew myself and find all the right friends, make all the great choices and I could be this completely different person who didn't carry all the emotional baggage of social anxiety and depression.
But I realized that like the old saying goes "Everywhere you go, there you are". I tried my best to get out there I had myself signing up for group after group to make myself get out there and make friends and become a scholar. But when i'd go my social anxiety would get the best of me and i'd drop extracurricular groups like flies. My feelings of inferiority didn't subside by simply going away to college and I was ready to just crawl into my introverted shell and go home.
I did however have some very special people put in my life at the time and I was able to have some happy times, I won't deny that but there was just an emptiness in me and I just started to withdraw.
While I was talking to my mother one day about my problems being shy and sad she suggested "You know, sometimes having a man to love can make a world of difference". And it stuck, I as a boyfriendless virgin had to sit around and hear countless stories from dormmates about their sexual experiences and the fun they have with xyz guy they met. It would make me feel so childish and out of place because I had never even kissed a guy.
So I met a guy through a friend of mine. I was so entralled by his badness that I overlooked how terribly he treated me, he'd stand me up all the time and when he did see me he'd spend money on me buying me things only to not talk to me for days at a time. I wouldn't say I was in love with him but I was just excited to have someone to talk about.
Being with a man kept me from being totally lonely even though I felt very unhappy. I clung to that boy as much as I could until he just showed absolutely no more interest in me.
Immediately after I met a man who was close to 30 and I was barely 19. He showed me the same inconsiderate behavior as the other guy but I still hadn't learned any lesson because quite frankly I had never seen a loving relationship in my life. My mother and father did not like being married and others in my family had abusive or distant marriages. So I once again clung to him, I became like a herion addict to a drug dealer. I needed him so bad, I needed someone to fill that saddness in me and I would do any and everything for him just to have someone love me. I abandoned myself in him literally. By the second half of my freshman year I barely was at the dorm, I was at his house at his every whim and he even gave me a shabby marriage proposal with no ring in sight and I accepted because I was so low in self esteem and naive. I had never had any type of innocent happy first love, just unhealthy co-dependence.
by the time sophmore year had come around I had lost myself in him so completely that I abandoned all my friends and avoided people who wanted to be my friend because it would mean that I wouldn't be there for his every call, and the less he contacted me, the more I needed him. I was pretty pitiful that year because losing my virginity to him also gave me pre-cervical cancer and other sexual disease. He acted concerned but he knew what he had the whole time and it showed that his concern seemed more like guilt. Thank god it was nothing that killed me but the shame and health problems I went through send me through an emotional spiral. I was failing in school and because i had lost my housing bid for junior year because i wanted to live with him i ended up staying home junior year and I'm grateful for it because it atleast got my mind away from him for a while I was with my family and things were more peaceful again.
I felt like I had something to prove to everyone so i went back to school to finish. And not even a week went by before i was seeing him again and he was treating me miserably.
Then I found another guy and this situation was even worse, but my need to not be lonely was too much so i put up with him pushing me into sex and going along with everything he wanted because i was too passive to speak up for myself.
And I can even go on with more situations like this.
I've come to realize the hard way the meaning of the cliche " you first have to love yourself" and I'm trying to get there.
Suffering from depression and social anxiety has given me a feeling of inferiority and emptiness and no one person can replace those feelings but me. I belive that I ended up staying in unhealthy relationships because I didn't think I really deserved more. I felt like I had to prove that I was deserving of love and that I could be perfect and turn them around and they would be so grateful that they'd be the man that would make me happy for life and I wouldn't need anyone but him. I forgot about myself and what I wanted for my life. I feel ashamed of the time I wasted in my life trying to have a man solve my deep problems. But after all those futile efforts I'm all alone and I have no friends and nobody to love. Its really hard to deal with it and I hate to think about how I ruined my whole college experience trying to fall in love.
So the other day I was talking with my mother about not feeling so depressed and as soon as she brought up having a man I thought "No, sometimes having a man is NOT what you need at all"