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About this blog

my life and struggles and successes

Entries in this blog

What Should I Do?

I've had a panic attack since yesterday and I want to **** myself more than ever today. I can't get death out of my mind.

broham

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All I Ever Think About

Is suicide and how disgustingly fat I am No one wants to be friends with the fat one Who would be attracted to me? Probably some kind of rabies-infected animal I don't know why I'm still alive

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Life Update

it's been a while; looks like the website's been revamped. cool like is weird. things happened last semester. i'm still at home. i have a boyfriend. i am finding out more about myself. i now own a nanday conure. he belonged to my sister but she couldn't care for him anymore so now he's mine. right now he's trying so hard not to fall asleep, cute thing that he is. i love him so, even though he has trust issues we need to work on. :)

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I Shouldn't

But I look at pro-eating disorder websites to remind myself what I could have had if I'd stuck with what I was doingfreshman year. I could be 120 pounds by now. I hate myself

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Oh

We should break up so you can have more options again

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Why In Losing Weight

So people will tell me I look nice. So people can't use my size as a joke. So people can't treat me like I'm inferior. So my parents won't remind me I'm gross. So my sister can't derail an argument with, "At least I'm not fat and ugly." So my partner will find me attractive and will love me. So I'll finally look in the mirror and see someone worth living. I can't explain to someone who doesn't understand how much hatred I have for my body, and how badly I want to hurt it and destroy it so I can

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I Get Those Feelings

If you want someone else, if you want to ditch, just tell me. I'll let you go. I know I'm a terrible person to be with. Just go.

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Me

I hate my body and I want a new one.

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A Question

My girlfriend told me it's okay to tell her when I feel bad enough to be suicidal. Should I tell her about how I feel today? She's had a rough day and I don't want to make it worse, but she said I can trust her. I don't want to hurt her. Today I wondered if anyone would miss me. I know people would but I feel so insignificant.

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Stopping This

I'm tired of whining and complaining so I won't be updating this anymore. I used this to get out my negative feelings, but all my feelings are silly and insignificant, so I shouldn't talk about them. Thank you for reading so far, any of you who bothered with me. This is my last blog post here.

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Don't Understand

I have a friend with a crazy mother that verbally abuses her constantly. I understand that our friends comfort her every time because it's horrible. However, my mom is always yelling, too, and my dad tells me I'm stupid, fat, ugly and lazy; I don't do anything for the family. On top of that, my brother physically abuses me, and leaves me with long, deep cuts from his nails, and bruises in places he's punched and hit me. So why don't I get comfort? Am I really so disposable? I don't matter anymor

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Does Anyone Care

my problems are always ignored. my friends would rather crowd around and comfort this girl, who drinks and does drugs and parties all the time, and is destroying herself, than comfort me when my brother beats on me. am i not worth love? am i too much trouble? am i a pain? i wish someone would tell me, because then i would leave their life forever. they would never have to feel weird again because i would be gone. i just want to be loved :(

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What Happened To Me On Monday :(

this was written monday night to my gf: i was in my room playing multiplayer on black ops and i heard my mom and dad yelling. my brother was beating on my mom and then he hit my sister for idk what reason. i ran down cuz i feel responsible for everything he does and like if i don't do something, i feel guilty. so i went down there and he started on my and scratched me really bad on my hand. my brother turned around and threw something at my sister while she was holding riley, and it hit him in

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Stuff Happens

some really bad things happened in my family today and i've had a panic attack all day. despite that, i'm also numb. i can't feel a thing. i'm very... just very numb. i wish i could spend the rest of my life like this. i love not feeling a thing.

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Oh Life

tomorrow my parents are off. we're all going to my sister's for breakfast. i don't want to go. i don't even want to be here bcuz i don't fit in anymore. i'm just a joke to my family. god i can't stand being alive sometimes. i wish everything would just end already.

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I Don't Want To Feel

there was a chunk of bagel in a plastic bag on the counter so i decided i would eat it. my dad came over and said, "don't eat that, it's bad for you," and proceeded to go ooooon and ooooon. so i asked him if i tell him what to eat, and when he said no, i said, "then don't tell me what to eat." then he goes WELL I CAN DO IT I'M YOUR FATHER. and my mom is like, "katherine stop being dumb." then dad feels bad i guess cuz he tells me he loves me, but i'm still kind of mad at him so i shrug him off.

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Ugh Work

not really tho. I'm going to get paid something like $13 an hour. it's great! what's not so great is that despite being 20, I don't get any of this money. my parents are taking it. yes I am basically working and giving my money away. I'm only good for babysitting and money-making. there's no other reason for me to live anymore.

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Stop Calling Me

whenever my mom calls me, it's because she wants something. I'm really sick of it. this just reminds me how no one gives a crap about me but my sister is everything because my mom wants me to do crap for her. I have to skip class to do this! yeah I have to miss class to make sure my sister has her school books! ridiculous, when I was in high school and forgot books, I got over it. I didn't call for help. lol I guess my family just doesn't care and I got beat up again yesterday and my mom coddled

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Benny And Joon

today i watched a movie called Benny and Joon. it's about a brother's relationship with his mentally ill sister, and the man, a cousin of a friend, who enters their lives and changes things around. i feel a lot like Benny because i'm the older sister of an autistic boy, and i'm always stressed out by him. i devote all of my time and energy to him out of love, and i feel like i need to do things for him. i have a girlfriend who came into my life and changed things for me; made me see that i need

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My Looks

i feel so ugly sometimes. this is one of those times. i need to lose weight, get rid of this nasty body hair and get plastic surgery cuz i am a model's worst nightmare.

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Well Here We Go

Today began in violence and bloodshed when my brother threw a tantrum. Happy thanksgiving :/

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Thanksgiving

so far, this holiday week has been okay. i did some cooking and cleaning, and i washed my bed sheets. i might read some more chapters of this new book i started. i'm just really tired atm, i want a break from stuff. mrrr. i also want to move out.

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My Dad

my dad told me i'm lazy. then, when i said i didn't want to watch that miley cyrus movie because i don't really like her, he said in this mean and sarcastic voice, "why not? you're just like her. you're cute... and petite." and then he laughed. i've had a panic attack since he said that about 2 hours ago. i don't want to be here anymore.

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Can't Help It

I haven't been very nice to my family, ive been snapping at everyone. I'm just tired of being told what to do without any reward or even praise. I owe my parents, they deserve my help, I would be nothing without them etc. I know I should be nice but I just can't be anymore. I've been nice for the last 20 years; it's about time I be assertive and say I'm not taking more crap. Too bad I'll say that then take the crap anyway or else my parents will flip and yell at me and tell me I'm a bad person a

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I Knew It

Its true, my friends don't care. They never did. I don't need them, all I need is me. I'm the only one who cares about me.

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