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Almost Random

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Dreams: Plants, Police Car

1st dream: I'm watching a field of plants. I'm disappointed because they're not growing. A solution I think of is giving them more room above them. 2nd dream: I'm driving a police car. There's a cop colleague sitting in the passenger seat besides me. The car is in a certain "mode" that gives it a boost (sort of like the batmobile turbo boost). The guy next to me is telling me that I don't need to give the car a boost right now. I finish his sentence by saying that it's only necessary for emer

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Hertz

 

Another Side To Life

I started to listen again to "No need to argue", by The Cranberries. I listened to it for the first time when I was around 15. It was a significant contact with something gentle. The first melody she sings in the album, "do-dodo-do..." Unconsciously I must have been: "Whoa, this sort of things exists. There's another side to life." A year or so after, I lost the tape. Gentleness went dormant for at least ten years. Imposed on myself a very harsh way of living. It took me a while to re-in

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Career Anxiety

Right now, not having a career feels like an itch I can't scratch. It bugs me, and creates insecurity. Or perhaps it feeds on insecurity. From time to time, I get a health scare. I think for a while I have an incurable illness,. Or that I've developed an incurable pain somewhere. For example I'll strain my back and feel a continuous discomfort, and I'll be like: "That's it, I have chronic pain". After this, for a while I feel dread, I think my life will be completely altered from now on, things

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Collective Pact With The Devil

We live carelessly, while we aim nuclear missiles towards all the other state capitals of the world. The same culture that produced Katy Perry and Tool, killed 4 million Vietnamese during the Vietnam War. Culture (music, paintings, movies, etc...) is aimed at making us forget that absolute evil exists within us. I don't claim to be better than others. Somehow, as soon as we win power, we might as well sign a pact with the devil.

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Dream: Theatre

Dream: 1st part: I was attending a conference by a celebrity called Guy A. Lepage. He was saying that because young people thought that he had it all, they would ignore him. And he was saying this as if it was hurting him. 2nd part: I was at the theatre to watch a play. During the play, a couple (a man and a woman) next to me started having sex. They didn't make any noise to not catch attention. The woman had her back turn towards me. I could see her naked ass, and the rest was covered. The m

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State Of Affair

Whenever I look at women, 99.9% of the time, I see contempt, scorn, with a tinge of anger directed me. I wonder if it's not actually my reflection. Do I see my mother in them, and does that make me scornful and angry? Once in a while, a woman looks at me with interest. Each time, it makes me feel uneasy, tense, on guard. I feel an obligation to perform. I feel that whatever I do, I will lose, which turns to frustration. Perhaps it's because I'm not interested. When I look at a beautiful woma

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Dream: Hp Computer

I had gotten a job (finally). I was working for HP, the computer maker, doing a technical job. I was trying to understand what I was supposed to do, but I couldn't. I didn't panic or get anxious. I just pretended I knew what I was doing. No one noticed. There were other people around. They were nice. The atmosphere was good. Interpretation: In real life, my HP laptop started having problems recently, so I took it to the repairman. Since the dream has to do with work, it might mean that my car

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Dream: Football

I was in the primary school that was right next to the one I attended when I was a child, in its courtyard. There were other people around. My dog was there, and I encouraged him to run around which he did. Next someone threw a football and it flew above the fence, to my old school's courtyard. So a friend of mine and I went to my primary school to fetch the football. As we went there, I told him how it would be a great idea to have a movie like "Falling down", but in a school. We retrieved the

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Depressive Delusions

I saw "The secret live of a manic depressive" today, a BBC documentary with Stephen Fry. I was surprised to see that religious delusions of grandeur are so common with people with bpd. I don't have bpd, yet I suffered from them during a period. In 2006, after the onset of depression, I spent many months alone in an apartment. I had become more and more religious during the past years. After the beginning of depression this tendency continued. Across the next months, I constructed and believe

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Dream - All Star Cast; Story: War

Dream: The singer Michel Louvain was the center of attention within a group of people. In real life he is gay and a crooner appealing mostly to elderly women. He decided to invite James Maynard Keenan, during his long hair phase, just to see what would happen. Maynard appeared. He would disappear regularly later on, like magic. Story: All his life, he spent as a war. Every conversation was a battle. Every word, a missile. Every dialogue, a duel. Every sign of interest, a provocation. O

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Dreams: Floating Containers; Talk Show

Dream 1: I was swimming in the sea, far off the coast. There were metal containers floating around. Some were piled on top of each other. I wanted to reach the shore desperately. I tried to swim in its direction, but a huge wave came from there and pushed me in the other direction. I approached a container, and there was the comedian Louis CK. Later I encountered the dictator Kin Jung Un. He threatened me, but I reacted by showing him that I was an even bigger dictator. Dream 2: It was dur

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When The Unthinkable Becomes Thinkable

Thoughts on religion from an atheist viewpoint: - I'd like to go beyond the old debates and try to open a dialogue with religions. I think a basis for such a dialogue would be what meanings we give to events. - I think something good about Christianity, and probably other religions, is that it opened new ways of being. It allowed new types of heroes. Someone like Joan of Arc would not have been possible in Ancient Greece. - Christianity is the encounter between Ancient Greece, particularly S

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Eyes Of The Heart

Sometimes I'm just glad to be able to experience things and share them, even if they are painful. I think difficulties have brought me closer to others and myself. I was always sensitive, but now it has become a strength. "Today I see the world with the eyes of the Heart I'm more sensitive to the invisible To everything that's within." ~ Gerry Boulet

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Dreams: School Ritual; Ski

Dream 1: I was in the high school I attended as a teenager. I was there because I had to do six occult rituals at different locations of the school. The situation was tense. Some people were after me. At one point, in one of the corridors, a fat lady started pursuing me. I fled, passed a door that led to the escalator, and I frantically tried to close and lock the door behind me, which I managed to do with the help of two unknown people. I reached one the locations. There I met a bunch of othe

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Story: The Dreamer

There was a young man. His dream was to become the best chef in the world. He attended the best cooking school in the country. During the summer he did internships with the best chefs in the world. Sometimes, he would be walking on the street, thinking about his dream, he would then look up at a billboard and see the Marlboro man smiling at him, and he'd feel validated. Once in a time he'd get a panic attack. He'd swallow a bunch of Rivotrils and things would become OK again. On television, h

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It's Better To Do A New Mistake Than To Repeat An Old One

Nietzsche: when we are faced with two competing values, we should pick the one which gives us a feeling of power, health, vitality. It could be summed up by the title of one of Alice Miller's books, "The body never lies". There is a sort of affinity with Darwinism. I don't think Darwinism is something bad. After all, roses are the product of Darwinism. But can Darwinism indicate values? No, because you can't know in advance if a value will give an advantage. What Darwinism says is: if all valu

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More On Narratives

The Bible: the Hebrews were a small people, almost irrelevant in the geopolitical sphere. In the Bible they put themselves at the centre of a grand narrative of cosmic (biblical) scale. In their eyes, they were great even in their smallness. During many years this narrative helped me. I was basically identifying with the Hebrews. Their periods of slavery were my set backs and illness, their liberation was my goal. It made sense of what I was going through. Ultimately I let go of that narrative.

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On The Fence

Dropping out of those two courses last fall was the worst decision of my life. The only result will be that I'll have to study even more and longer. I feel like I'm in some sort of hell where damnation means studying and writing papers forever. Just when you think you're done and are ready to get a job, someone taps you on the shoulder and tells you that you're missing another diploma. I don't know how I'll be able to deal with that. I just hate the idea so much. I don't know what to do. I thi

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Story: Man On The Brink

He arrived at the station 4 minutes late for his train. He decided to come back tomorrow, since it was the only departure for the day. Next morning, he arrived 2 minutes late. He was angry at himself, but there was nothing he could do. The next day, he arrived 1 minute late. He took comfort in knowing he was getting closer. The following day he missed the train by 30 seconds. He tried day after day. After a while he was arriving late by less than a second. Then less than a millisecond. The

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Emergent Meaning

I don't want my life to be summed up by a few sentences. I think animality and randomness play a huge role in shaping me, and I want them to do so. When I write music, I enjoy making randomness and instinct play a role. I combine them with my knowledge of the theory of music. At the end, meaning emerges. It's a beautiful thing to experience. I think one way to find meaning is by stumbling upon, falling into. Meaning has two sides. On one side there is planned meaning, on the other there is em

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Narratives

I've been thinking a lot lately about the story we make out of our lives. The narrative. I read a comic book version of The Stranger by Camus recently. I had read it in high school. In the first part of the novel we watch the main character Meursault doing things without any particular purpose, being guided purely by the context and his physical state. At one point he kills an Arab because of the Sun blinding him. In the second half of the novel, he is judged in a tribunal. Two narratives compet

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Dreams: 5Th Dimension, Bisexuality

1st part: I climbed stairs and arrived at an arena. People were fighting with bolas, so I grabbed ones. I saw a guy, his back was turned towards me. I threw the bolas at his legs, and he fell immediately. A guy came to me and was angry because he was dueling the other guy. Turns out they were both black. So he said he wanted to duel me. At first he suggested the winner would be the one with most wins out of 5 rounds, then out of 500. Suddenly everyone's attention was turned to an old man, stru

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3 Dreams

1st part: I was in a library. I became aware that my favorite guitarist was at the same time a fiction writer, and I could see his books on the shelves. Later, as he was in town for a book tour, there was a concert, but it wasn't him playing. He hadn't really released a completely new book. One of his books had been reedited with a single new short story added. 2nd part: I was walking and talking to a woman by my side. I found her attractive, but didn't feel any desire. Then I "switched on" m

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Story: The Paladin

There was a character in a classic novel, who in the story was a saviour, a courageous man, protecting the widow and the orphan. The meaning of his life was traced out for him. One day he realized his state. He became aware he was a character in a book. He started questioning his condition. He realized that a world where meaning is unchangeable is hell. There was no way to change the meaning of his life. Words that were not from him would pour out of his mouth. Actions he did not decide would be

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