Quit my job last thursday because of a workplace bully.
Today slept from 10:00 am to 9 pm.
This is gonna be fun.
Feeling anxious but I'm out of Rivotril.
Two people told me I should create a LinkedIn profile. Some part of me thinks it is futile.
I live in an apartment. The owner lives next. It's a woman around 50 yo. She has two daughters. Her apartment is tiny, yet she owns a red Ferrari, which baffles me completely.
I learn the apartment is not rented under my name, which means I can be evicted anytime, which anguishes me.
I look on the internet and my name is written next to the apartment, so I'm not sure anymore if the apartment is under my name or not.
I'm not sure if I'm in control of my psyche. I'm baffled by
I'm sitting at a table outside a bar/restaurant, drinking something with Emma Watson. I think it's a date. Later I'm by myself, at some distance from there. I remember she is a movie star and I don't understand why she was with me. I try to find her but can't.
It's night. I'm with a bunch of people near two swimming pools. One is further on my left and seems to have water, and one is in front of me, empty. A lady jumps in the empty one, as if there was water, and falls flat and hard on her back
I'm driving a car on the freeway. There are at least five lanes.
There is a car that is on my lane, going in the direction opposite to mine. I avoid it by switching to the lane on the right. Another car goes in my direction, it is already close to me and when it is 2 or 3m away I manage to change lane to the right and avoid a frontal collision again.
I think it has to do with something that happened to me during my birthday party. A girl I've been flirting with pretty intensel
I'm in the tv room in the house I grew up in. I'm watching a movie made by an artist named Denise Filiatrault, and she is there sitting on the other side of the couch. I think the movie is interesting but not very exciting. Denise suggests I'm not authentic. She senses I don't like the movie and tells me I should be honest. I start feeling angry, and I stand up and tell her she's crazy and should go phuck herself. (Vous êtes folle et allez vous faire foutre). I leave the room and go to my childh
I'm looking down at a pile of shoes. None really appeal to me. I pick one up, it is kind of pinkish. I don't find them beautiful or likeable, yet I wonder if it is the right one for me.
I am dealing with issues about my self-identity. I am searching for my identity, but nothing seems right.
Called in sick at work today. I said I had fever, but actually I was burnt out. I did not rest at all last week-end, and last week was intense.
Wondering if dissatisfaction with work hasn't anything to do with it either.
I feel like I plateaued since I got promoted in May. There aren't really new challenges, and there are no prospects for ones. There is no promotion possible. Yet I want to grow professionally. I feel like I'm going through a great stagnation.
At the same time I don't want to
L. broke down and fell into major depression.
In therapy he was encouraged to delve into his relationship with his parents.
Nothing bad would come up. They acted in a supportive, encouraging way all throughout his childhood and adolescence his therapist and him concluded.
So, was his depression only the result of a chemical imbalance?
L. investigated home video tapes of his childhood.
He had hours of them available. He started from the beginning.
Hours after hours of videotape, all he saw
I was in the US with a real life friend on a trip. Since my friend didn't have a valid ID, I gave him a fake one, with his picture, but my name on it.
At some point a cop checks my friend's fake ID. He examines the hologram that is printed on it. The cop says that it's a weak ID. Later he realizes it is fake and charges us on two counts. I realize I'm going to have a criminal record and I start feeling hopeless and guilty.
We're in the hotel room we had rented. My friend goes to sleep in the b
Part 1: I'm standing in the backyard of a building. In the neighbouring terrain workers are excavating down a tunnel going underground in diagonal. A guy inside an excavator uses the mechanical shovel to go over the fence that separates the terrain I'm in and the neighbour's, and grabs and steals two orange traffic cones that are on my side. In the process he damages them. A supervisor tells him that what he did was wrong. Other construction workers gather around to see what's going on. I tell o
I'm in my parents' bedroom, in the house I grew up in. There is a baby alien on the loose (the one in the movie Alien that goes through the belly). I can see its teeth and its black and shiny body. I'm in a state of panic. I'm scared and don't know what to do. There are two other guys in the room. One of them urges me to escape through the window with him, and I do as he says. When we're both out, I realize the third guy is still inside. I cling to the window edge (which is at the level of the f
Reading back my 2013 entries, I describe feeling better and better when I lowered remeron from 15mg/d to 7.5mg/d. Things started going downhill after going even lower.
Right now I am on remeron 15mg/d and wellbutrin 100mg/d. My goal is to change the remeron dosage to 7.5mg daily and stay there indefinitely.
My plan is to take 7.5mg every 7 days for 2 rounds, then every 6 days and so on.
I'm inside a house that looks like the one I grew up in. A seven year old boy just died. He hung himself. His head is shaven. I question his mother. It turns out he was allowed to play with a rope, and was taught how to tie a slipknot. I admonish the mother for letting her son play with a rope by himself.
I rent and move out into a room inside a house, where a bunch of young people live. The house is reminiscent of the one I grew up in. My boss from my job tells me there is a grocery store real
Upped the wellbutrin.
Not too satisfied with my excursion lower than the usual dosage.
It made me feel misanthropic and remote.
I could lower the dosage slower, but I'm not sure I want to do it anymore.
Wellbutrin helps me grow as a human being, even though it often causes discomfort.
Will I always be so stoic?
I'm no longer a depressed stoic, but I'm still stoic.
Does a part of me think it's unsafe to express emotions through my voice and gestures?
Listening to "Pour que tu m'aimes encore" from Celine Dion.
I have to admit, I have completely subsidized all my feelings.
I never felt such a thing.
Artists really feel so I feel.
I managed to sell my soul bit by piece.
I'm a passenger in a plane. I'm sitting, and looking through a window on my left. The plane is approaching the ground, but is still pretty high. The plane is pointing down in diagonal. It doesn't seem to be out of control. It seems like in a normal path for landing. I cry and sob because I'm scared. Then I tell myself to go with the flow, and I feel better. The plane touches an electric cable that is high above ground. The whole exterior of the plane conducts the electricity, but inside we are f
Cut the dosage of wellbutrin. Today I started feeling the change. Not feeling anxious anymore. No more violent/suicidal thoughts. Had long stretches where I was feeling morose. Socializing is harder and less interesting. Sometimes feeling anti-social and like other humans are pigs.
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I rarely have strong, positive emotional responses.
Sometimes I get really angry.
When I lose something or someone, I can become very sad or distressed.
I often want to cry, but rarely do.
I often fantasize about suicide. About once
If I were a city
there would be a gay district that would be growing
women would not be treated as equals
they wouldn't be allowed to drive cars or hold high ranking posts
it would be surrounded by fortifications, breached in some parts
there would be a great tower where scholars would work day in day out
their research funds slowly drying out
there would be a small budding commercial and industrial district
attracting the disenfranchised scholars from the tower
photos of missing childr
I'm looking at a comic strip, like the ones in newspapers. It's made of a single panel. On top, I there is a woman who is about to catch a man who is coming towards her on a trapeze. Below, there is a man doing the same thing as her, with another man on another trapeze. There is a thought balloon above her head. She is thinking that the man beside her is attracted to the man he is about to catch. The man also has a thought balloon, and is thinking: "Hey! But what am I thinking?!". I interpret it
I'm with my father and a military man. They tell me that my little brother was devoured by zombies. I see my little brother standing in the schoolyard of the primary school I went to. It's the place where he was consumed.
The military man starts approaching me. I'm afraid of him, so I flee and get on an elevator. From the buttons it looks like there are approximately 10 to 15 floors. I press 0 and the elevator starts moving downwards. When the door opens, in front of me, 10m away, I see another
Part 1: The comedian Denis Leary makes an apparition on a tv show. He announces he has a terminal disease. He plans to have his organs removed and frozen until a cure is found. A machine proceeds to extract his heart.
I'm in a classroom. I don't really get what is the subject. The meaning eludes me completely. The number 11 comes up often, and 1/11. One of my classmates is a guy I met in France.
I'm concerned with my health. It prevents me from being
I noticed I pay attention to other people's family.
Especially when the parents appear to have vitality.
When they pay attention to emotions.
When the parents actually do stuff, have a life.
On Facebook I pay attention my friends' relationship with parents.
Recently I was moved by a picture of a female colleague of mine taken with her father, for his birthday. Alongside the pic, she says: "Happy birthday to my daddy, the one who helped me be who I am, who supports me, who believes in me, ev
I'm considering the idea of studying to become an accountant. I'm looking at a vocational college program. There are only three courses. The title of the last course on the list has the word "sales" (vente) in it, and an acronym used at the job I have right now in rl ("PTE").
At the end I see a retail store and someone explains to me that as an accountant I could work for them to increase their sales.
I am missing the ability to step back and look at the facts.
I'm hiding from someone in a sort of basement. I take a row boat to move away. My old dog jumps in, and I bring other things with me.
I arrive in a village. The architecture looks medieval. I'm in the port side. On the roof of a building, which I think is a tavern or an inn, I see a spider. Through a window I see orange coming from the inn. I try to burn the spider with a torch, but I'm not successful.
I leave the port, and enter a neighborhood that's more inland. The walls of the bui