There was a time when writing music was fuelled by anger, but the latter has diminished.
Later I wrote music for other people's projects, but I rapidly grew sick of it.
Now I find that writing music is a nerdy activity. It's like programming. Sitting in front of the computer most of the time.
Time spent writing music is time not spent living.
I want to spend time in nature. Not in my room piecing notes together.
I watch a lot of asmr videos on youtube. Especially those centered on care, pampering, healing.
I'm realizing that I have very little of that in real life.
I'm a very independent person, which doesn't help. I don't have a pet and getting one is not an option.
With humans, care often means sex, which is not always what I'm searching for. Maybe I'm not expressing my needs well enough.
Maybe I'm unconsciously rejecting opportunities to receive care.
Maybe if I gave more care to others
Goals that are realistic and achievable:
- Improving my life
- Trying new things
- Meeting new people
- Learning new healthy, fast and easy recipes
- Knowing myself better
- Caring better for myself
- Putting myself first
Today came to a new professional dead-end.
After trying research and teaching, I can now add sound design.
For those that don't know, sound design consists of designing the music and sound effects for film, video games and other media.
I decided on my own that it was time to stop following this path.
There were some red flags along the way. I could feel my psychic energy being drained. The absence of joy at my "accomplishments".
On paper it's a cool job. It requires creativ
Not sure what keeps me going
I have no objectives anymore
I can't stand this feeling of not having a goal, something that could unify my life into a whole
Maybe that's my problem, I fall too easily prey to goals. I latch on to one and invest lots of time energy into it, and 5 years later I realize it's not for me.
Are there other things than goals that can bring fulfillment?
Do 90 years old have goals, besides making it the next day?
Do you need to always have a goal?
I feel like I'm a the end of a cycle.
Everything seems to be repeating. My life has become repetitive.
Everything seems scripted.
I probably need to try new things.
Kind of freaking out about white hair popping more and more. I look 10 years younger by the account of most people I meet, but white hair will make me look my real age. I don't want to enter the routine of dying them. I'd rather try to make peace with it.
Two high school classmates died in the past years. Our cohort will n
Lately I've been feeling very unsatisfied everyday. It's like there was an abscess in my mind that must burst. I feel like something must change but not sure what, like I'm starting a new stage of my life that is not yet well defined.
I feel like nothing is new, nothing excites me, going through the motion.
I'm disappointed with love, professional life. I've considered doing volunteer work to get out of myself. My past volunteer experiences haven't been very satisfying, I don't have very fon
I'm in a university classroom, alone with a math professor. I reminisce about the stuff I learned years ago. I tell him that an interesting question is if the quotient group of an abelian group is abelian. He tells me that the answer is yes. I then think that one should only do graduate studies if there is a particular question that interests the person and finding the answer is a must.
I am tempted to return to childhood. I doubt and lack faith towards myself, when in fac
I'm in a school playground with a hoverboard like in Back to the future 2 I just acquired. There is another person playing with his own hoverboard, a guy around 13 yo, not fat but just slightly overweight. I go in circles around the playground with the hoverboard. It's easy to control. The engine emits a white light. At one point it seems like the engine is about to fall off, but after tinkering a little bit with it it seems secure. At one point the guy stops in front of me. I stop, disembark an
This unemployment thing is starting to get very unpleasant.
I have no structure. Lost all purpose. Complete adherence to procrastination.
Even though I do nothing, days go by fast, just like when I'm busy.
I have no compelling goal. Moments of enthusiasm are brief.
I lost all work ethics. I wish I could depend on someone else financially.
My only pleasure is eating sugar.
Thinking about death and suicide daily.
99% of actions make me feel like I'm overextending myself.
I saw the movie Nim's Island the other day. It's about Nim, a young girl living on an island when suddenly everything goes wrong when her father goes off to study plankton and doesn't come back, leaving her alone. She has to become a modern Robinson Crusoe, forage for food, etc. It's a family movie, intended for children and their parents. I'm not a child or a parent but it struck a chord in me. It reminded me of my own struggle as a child, having to become an emotional Robinson Crusoe within a
- A comedian talks about his years within a comedy group and says that he stayed in it too long.
Interpretation: a more laid back part of myself speaks in reference to a previous job/professional orientation that has resurfaced recently and in which I may have stayed too long.
- I'm in my childhood bedroom. I suddenly feel very alone and wish for some company. At that moment I see three dogs just outside my room. One is small and covered by shadows. The other two are tall
Even if I travelled to the end of the universe
I would still be a mere extension of my parents
Repeating the same drama again and again and again
Exercising their morbid desires forever
There is not one iota of individuality in me
Individuation is a fantasy
Part 1: I see a map of Quebec, and huge sea which could be James Bay. I see an artisanal, indigenous sculpture of the head of a wolf that is shaped in order to ressemble the province, with it's mouth representing the St-Lawrence Gulf.
I am a scholar and researcher, and also a fish. I have a long nose to skewer other fish. I notice that by going under a layer of ice it's possible to reach Chile. I cross James Bay, and arrive in a town, and within this town I come to the house of a woman. I am u
Sometimes I wish I was single.
Not because I want to meet another guy. I don't feel as free in terms of time and schedule. I have to make time for my boyfriend.
Sometimes it's hard to juggle my social life and him.
Texting is more painful than anything. Misinterpretations are common. This medium makes it a constant battle to not sound cold.
I might be superficial, but the other day receiving 25 likes on a picture of me doing karaoke I posted on Facebook gave me more pleasure than rece
Just came back from a second interview. I think it went really well. My good mood lasted 5 minutes at most until I realized I messed up the salary expectation thing. It's a base + commission type of remuneration. I asked 30K base salary, but I should have used an interval, like 30 to 40k. I know they understood my demand as meaning "around 30K" because that's what one of the interviewers said, and I didn't have the guts to correct him. Now I'm almost certain they will give less. Perhaps even 25K
I met my boyfriend about two months ago. From the start I asked that both of us get tested. In the meantime we had unprotected oral sex. This morning he announced to me that his results show he has syphilis. At first I was devastated because the only stories about syphilis I had heard were about people like Nietzsche or Maupassant for whom the disease degenerated to the the point of making them totally disabled. I called a health hotline. The nurse told me it was treatable, but no confirmation t
I thought I was going to look for a job but it turns out I was wrong, it's a new career path I need.
I went to two job interviews this week for a position I thought I'd be interested in, but I'm realizing it doesn't fit with me. I'm so aware of it that I would not hire myself. And I don't mean that in a self-deprecating way. I mean that if I was the interviewer, I would look at my personality, my energy and would rapidly conclude the position is not suited for me.
The position is a progressi
I'm with a guy I know who has a machine the size of a wardrobe and that looks like it's from the 19th century. Later I talk to another guy. He confides that he is fascinated by the possibility of making a glass of water materialize just by using thought. In order to learn and attempt to do that, he says it's pretty expensive because you need certain DVDs, plus a machine like the other guy owns. There are modern versions of it, but the other guy chose a model from the 19th century or modern but v
1st dream: I see a dead elephant lying on the ground. I learn that it stopped its own heart in order to avoid bothering or disturbing others with the sound of its beating. I am moved and start crying.
Interpretation: sometimes I will shut down true feelings and thoughts because I think they will bother others.
2nd dream: I learn of the existence of a novel called "New Atlas". A guy called Matthieu Bock-Côté is reading it. I want to read it too.
I'm in a supermarket with my mother. She
So finally I am moving out of my father's house.
I found an apartment very easily. It was the first and only I visited, and it fits all my criteria. I'm really happy about that. On the other hand as an anxious person, I necessarily anguish about the moving process, which appears like an ordeal. I don't even have that much to move. A bed, a desk, and all the smaller stuff: books, plates, dvds etc. I work full time at the same time which means I have long days because of the preparations. I'm th
I'm in a spherical room, with on it's inner surface a night sky with a multitude of stars. I learn that this room was made at the initiative of a bunch of doctors who took care of the funding. I ask them from which point of view do we see the stars. They tell me that it's an approximation of the Earth's point of view.
Stars: personal destiny
I'm following a destiny made and literally funded by my father, who happens to be a doctor in rl.
The sphere evokes an egg, immaturity.
I'm with a bunch of people, we're at least fifteen, some I know, some I don't. Among them is a rl ex-colleague of mine. He's wearing a black leather jacket. He walks in a strange way, almost like a dance, sometimes bending his knees, slowing down and then accelerating. We are looking for warm people. We approach a cemetery and in an ironic way I say: "Here are the warm people".
We walk among the tombstones, my ex-colleague still walking in a dance-like fashion.
Next we are in his apartment and
I'm in graduate school, doing a master's. I'm downtown, on a monday, near the university. Some friends, among them a guy who is an ex-colleague of mine in rl, are having a drink at a pub nearby. I enter the pub with another guy. The ex-colleague is already sitting at the bar and welcomes the other guy warmly. As I'm entering I remember that for thursday I have a lot of reading to do for a course in advanced math. So I backpedal and direct myself toward the university, where I plan to do the read
I learn that somehow the actor Toby McGuire is my brother. For some reason, I believe this relationship comes from the paternal side of my family only.
I start wondering about the possibilities this fact opens up, now that I have connections with Hollywood.
Later, I'm in line in a sort of cafeteria. I pass multiple types of food and meals. I pass a chicken submarine on offer, and realize I'm at the end of the line and arrived at the cash register. I don't want to end up with nothing so I order