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Almost Random

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Email

I met a girl last monday. We had coffee together and she seemed smart and charming. This evening I almost sent her an e-mail to ask if she'd like to have coffee with me again. So I googled "how to ask a girl for coffee by email". I stumbled on a forum thread where a guy had asked this question. One person responded that it's not advisable to do this, that asking in person is much better. But he didn't explain why. After a little reflection I realized that if I send her an email, it'll be too eas

Hertz

Hertz

 

Wb

Last monday my doctor changed my prescription from wellbutrin sr 150mg twice daily, to wb xl 300mg once a day. I feel a bit more driven. But I suffer more. Head-aches and anxiety. Not anxiety in the sense of worrying more, but feeling tense all the time. This is wearing me down. With the 1st prescription I was able to work and wake up early, but it made me LOOK sick! I'm talking yellowish skin and shadows under the eyes. I think it was because the 150mg I took in the evening affected my sle

Hertz

Hertz

 

Thoughts And Events

Yesterday I watched a tv show called HEAVY on a&e, about morbidly obese persons going through an intensive 6 months treatment to lose weight. Regularly they would be seen weighting themselves with their coach by their side, and they would become ecstatic if they had lost alot of weight. So I started asking myself, how can I monitor the progress I'm making while battling depression and anxiety? Certainly it can't be as specific as a number on a scale, so maybe progress is a little less exciti

Hertz

Hertz

 

"tout Est Chaos"

I started liking pop music since the past 2 years. I used to mostly listen to metal and some artists in other genres, but depression kinda pushed me to broaden my tastes to find some consolation. One thing that I find surprising is that the lyrics of some pop songs are not as dumb as we might expect. They sometimes deal with human issues with pretty good insight. But what attract me to this genre are the catchy melodies, and the soft, feminine voices. I noticed the live performances of pop a

Hertz

Hertz

 

Alternate Me

Sometimes I think about an alternate me, what I could have become if everything that caused the depression had not occurred. Today this thought was triggered while listening to a song on youtube with a still picture of the band and noticing that one of the members looks like me. Maybe my talents would have bloomed better. At the same age I'd be at a later stage in life. All the things, personality faults I'm working so much to correct would not be there so I'd have more energy for being creati

Hertz

Hertz

 

Dream

I was in the house where I grew up (I don't live there anymore). I went to bed in the room I had as a child. I saw my mother by the door facing me, telling me something I couldn't hear and then leaving. When morning comes (still in the dream) I get up and get caught on a strap which I pull accidentally. This activates a mechanism somehow and I see in the living room a toy soldier descending in a parachute from the ceiling. I then thought this was made so that I could put the parachute gear on my

Hertz

Hertz

 

Med Issues

I'm always on the edge. I want to cry at the top of my lungs. I think it's the wellbutrin. I started taking it last summer because I wanted an anti-depressant that would help me be functional in the morning. It does, but the anxiety level has become unbearable. I just read that the effect of a single dose of wellbutrin sr does not last 24h, more like 8-12h. I'm taking 150mg once a day, so can this anxiety be caused by some sort of deficit? I'll talk to my doctor tomorrow about the two option

Hertz

Hertz

 

Sleep

Usually when I go to bed at 10pm and get up at 7am I feel somewhat good. But if I go to bed passed midnight, I feel like crap the next day, have migraines, feel super-sad, hopeless, despondent etc... The problem is that most social events take place late in the day. If I see friends in the evening, I usually go home by 1am. So it seems I have a choice between the suffering of loneliness or the one described above. I don't know what to do. ----- 12/13 Update: Last night I closed the lights at

Hertz

Hertz

 

This Is A Blog Entry Title

So my ex-gf is getting an abortion. We used contraception, but these things are never 100% proof. The date is december 13th. It's her body, so I know she has the last word, and I respect that. I suggested adoption, but her decision was made. I think it's too bad she has to go through this ordeal. I hope it won't traumatize her or anything. I offered my support whatever she chooses. --- It seems my phd won't start before next may. I had hoped to start in january, so that's a kind of failure.

Hertz

Hertz

 

Corpse-Painting And Einstein

My friends never call me. I didn't call them either, a bit out of spite. I was bored so I did something I've wanted to do in a long time. I bought some make-up and a wig with long straight black hair, and corpse-painted my face. It's a thing some black metal artists do. It was started by Alice Cooper and Kiss I think. Applying the makeup wasn't easy at first since I'm not used to it. Getting a uniform coloration using sticks is not ideal. I discovered I could use my fingers to produce gradatio

Hertz

Hertz

 

No Vember

There was one university left that hadn't responded yet to my application. All the others had rejected me. Finally, last thursday I got the answer and it was...no! I thought: "Maybe it's a sign this phd project is not for me". This left me with a bitter feeling. This last 'no' was due only to financial constraints. They could not support me. I replied I didn't mind not being paid since I've wanted to do this for so long and worked so hard for it. They finally admitted me, without financial a

Hertz

Hertz

 

Rewardless Conditioning

I go out, meet people, learn what works and what doesn't in social situations. I've started to do this recently and I can see the fruits of my efforts. The problem is that I HAVE NO FUN whatsoever doing all this. No d***ed reward. I want to be rewarded, I pray to be rewarded. Will I ever enjoy social activities? I'm starting to be fed up of the lack of enjoyement. I know I need to do this because I feel worse if I don't. I am ill, ill, ill, and I don't see the end.

Hertz

Hertz

 

A Day At The Park

I went to a national park with my gf. The day was warm and sunny. We arrived at 2pm and started walking on a trail. We saw from a distance what appeared like a dead animal. By going off the trail we took a closer sight and established it was the body of what used to be a fox. Flies were buzzing and landing over it. When I lowered my head to examine it I was assaulted by the smell. We proceeded to go back to the track through another path which led us to an area where small dark/white birds were

Hertz

Hertz

 

Depressive Stupor

Woke up at 7am in a depressive stupor. I could smell death. ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Hertz

Hertz

 

Koombaya

These past weeks I found myself repeating the phrase "I see death" frequently. I first saw it in an interview done to the movie director Carlos Reydaga. When he was a lawyer he decided to change career because he was "seeing death". I think he meant that working as a lawyer made him feel like he was ******* a part of him. I don't know if I'm in the same situation as he was. One similarity is the fact that I'm in a transition phase, ending a master's degree while being uncertain about what will

Hertz

Hertz

 

A Punch In The Face

I just learned I was rejected by a university department where I had applied for graduate studies. My chances of studying in my hometown are becoming close to nil. Another option would be to study in a place that's 2,000 miles away. But what's a depressive-anxious guy supposed to do away from all family and friends? I have maybe another possibility here, but I'm not sure if it's that good, academically-wise. I applied to this place yesterday half-heartedly. I don't like the idea of having so

Hertz

Hertz

 

Unpleasant Frequentation

I invited a friend over last evening. He wanted me to introduce him to a board game called Advanced Squad Leader. I can't say I like him that much. He says negative things. For example when I told him about my girlfriend he replied: "You don't seem in love with her", and then tells me he's never been in love himself...so he spoke out of his a**. Later he sees a picture of me and my brother when I was 3 y/o on the wall and comments: "Even when you were a kid you didn't smile". When we ended

Hertz

Hertz

 

Yo-Yo

So I have a girlfriend now (she did confirm the "In a relationship with" status on facebook, how more official can that be? :)) Last august, after going out two times, she told me she wanted us to be just friends. I decided to turn the page but we met two more times, once to do interior climbing, and the other to take a Swing lesson. I wanted to try those activities and she was the only person I knew who'd be up to go with me. I had no expectations at all. The week after we went to the Swing le

Hertz

Hertz

 

Going Out, Med Issues

Last friday I took a Swing lesson with two friends. After the class more people came and started dancing, with jazz music playing. I danced with a few girls, practiced the moves I just had learned and chatted a bit with them. I mentioned to a girl I met on a dating site that I'd go there. She told me she had been dancing Swing since the past 6 years. She ended up coming that evening, even though we hadn't planned a meeting. I danced a little with her and we talked a bit. She seemed nice. I hope

Hertz

Hertz

 

Talking The Small Talk

During my trip to Saskatoon I implemented something I read in a book to help me become more social. I talked to strangers, making comments about things related to the environment. For example, on my way there, I embarked on a small plane and, since I'm used to big planes, continued walking almost to the end of the alley because I thought this was the first class. I had to come back to find my seat. When I got there I told this to my neighbor and that made her laugh. It lightened my mood and gav

Hertz

Hertz

 

Onward And Upward?

This week I visited a potential phd director who works in another city. I wanted to meet him in person to have an idea of his personality, and to meet one of his students to get his impression. What motivated me to take these steps is that my present director at the master's level is not morally supportive or encouraging at all, and I now know these factors are important in choosing a director. We met briefly but he seemed nice. He took the time to talk to me, he did not rush the conversation l

Hertz

Hertz

 

Last Week

I'm trying to figure out how to make a government PhD scholarship request. I don't think I have a lot of chances to obtain it. I'm currently doing a master's degree and have applied to doctoral programs at different places. My goal is mostly to tell the potential research directors I'm applying for this scholarship, so they know I'm motivated. There's a section in the application form where I'm supposed to list my contributions to science, articles I authored etc. I guess I'll leave that blank

Hertz

Hertz

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