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Almost Random

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Short Story: Simulator

There was a guy, in his 30s, in the year 2250, living with his parents, unemployed. Online he saw an ad about a new video game called World Simulator. It had good reviews on iTube, so he bought it with his parents money. The idea of the game was to simulate yourself, your mind, genetic code etc and put yourself in different world stages, eras etc. Want to know what you would have done if you had been born in 1492 in Spain? With World Simulator you can find out and more! So the guy started p

Hertz

Hertz

 

Quit My Job

Quit my job last thursday because of a workplace bully. Today slept from 10:00 am to 9 pm. This is gonna be fun. Feeling anxious but I'm out of Rivotril. Two people told me I should create a LinkedIn profile. Some part of me thinks it is futile.

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Weaning Off Remeron

I'm trying to wean off Remeron, since march. I went from 15mg/d to 3.75mg/d. The transition from 7.5 to 3.75 is particularly difficult, because I can't cut the pill more. So I have to take a dose once every two days. Therefore the amount in my blood and brain fluctuates more. Remeron helps me sleep, but the nights I don't take it can be unpredictable. Yesterday I went to bed at midnight. I fell asleep at 8h30 AM. I got out of bed at 1 PM. Right now I'm feeling pretty flat. I was planning to work

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More On Narratives

The Bible: the Hebrews were a small people, almost irrelevant in the geopolitical sphere. In the Bible they put themselves at the centre of a grand narrative of cosmic (biblical) scale. In their eyes, they were great even in their smallness. During many years this narrative helped me. I was basically identifying with the Hebrews. Their periods of slavery were my set backs and illness, their liberation was my goal. It made sense of what I was going through. Ultimately I let go of that narrative.

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On The Fence

Dropping out of those two courses last fall was the worst decision of my life. The only result will be that I'll have to study even more and longer. I feel like I'm in some sort of hell where damnation means studying and writing papers forever. Just when you think you're done and are ready to get a job, someone taps you on the shoulder and tells you that you're missing another diploma. I don't know how I'll be able to deal with that. I just hate the idea so much. I don't know what to do. I thi

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Story: The Dreamer

There was a young man. His dream was to become the best chef in the world. He attended the best cooking school in the country. During the summer he did internships with the best chefs in the world. Sometimes, he would be walking on the street, thinking about his dream, he would then look up at a billboard and see the Marlboro man smiling at him, and he'd feel validated. Once in a time he'd get a panic attack. He'd swallow a bunch of Rivotrils and things would become OK again. On television, h

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Cultish

I didn't get the position I interviewed for wednesday. Today I called and left a message to a company I had applied to last november, but which I declined I think for the wrong reasons: because it's not related to higher learning, or making use of my studies, I think all I want is a low stress job, 9 to 5, where I have to somewhat deal with the public, either by phone or in person, where I'm well treated and valorized. I don't think it matters to me if my studies are not used. I think I did al

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Wellbutrin 2; Stoicism; Global Therapy

Upped the wellbutrin. Not too satisfied with my excursion lower than the usual dosage. It made me feel misanthropic and remote. I could lower the dosage slower, but I'm not sure I want to do it anymore. Wellbutrin helps me grow as a human being, even though it often causes discomfort. ------------------- Will I always be so stoic? I'm no longer a depressed stoic, but I'm still stoic. Does a part of me think it's unsafe to express emotions through my voice and gestures? -----------------

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Eyes Of The Heart

Sometimes I'm just glad to be able to experience things and share them, even if they are painful. I think difficulties have brought me closer to others and myself. I was always sensitive, but now it has become a strength. "Today I see the world with the eyes of the Heart I'm more sensitive to the invisible To everything that's within." ~ Gerry Boulet

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This Is A Blog Entry Title

So my ex-gf is getting an abortion. We used contraception, but these things are never 100% proof. The date is december 13th. It's her body, so I know she has the last word, and I respect that. I suggested adoption, but her decision was made. I think it's too bad she has to go through this ordeal. I hope it won't traumatize her or anything. I offered my support whatever she chooses. --- It seems my phd won't start before next may. I had hoped to start in january, so that's a kind of failure.

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Wellbutrin 1

Cut the dosage of wellbutrin. Today I started feeling the change. Not feeling anxious anymore. No more violent/suicidal thoughts. Had long stretches where I was feeling morose. Socializing is harder and less interesting. Sometimes feeling anti-social and like other humans are pigs.

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When The Unthinkable Becomes Thinkable

Thoughts on religion from an atheist viewpoint: - I'd like to go beyond the old debates and try to open a dialogue with religions. I think a basis for such a dialogue would be what meanings we give to events. - I think something good about Christianity, and probably other religions, is that it opened new ways of being. It allowed new types of heroes. Someone like Joan of Arc would not have been possible in Ancient Greece. - Christianity is the encounter between Ancient Greece, particularly S

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Dreams: School Ritual; Ski

Dream 1: I was in the high school I attended as a teenager. I was there because I had to do six occult rituals at different locations of the school. The situation was tense. Some people were after me. At one point, in one of the corridors, a fat lady started pursuing me. I fled, passed a door that led to the escalator, and I frantically tried to close and lock the door behind me, which I managed to do with the help of two unknown people. I reached one the locations. There I met a bunch of othe

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Dream: Emma Watson; Empty Pool

I'm sitting at a table outside a bar/restaurant, drinking something with Emma Watson. I think it's a date. Later I'm by myself, at some distance from there. I remember she is a movie star and I don't understand why she was with me. I try to find her but can't. It's night. I'm with a bunch of people near two swimming pools. One is further on my left and seems to have water, and one is in front of me, empty. A lady jumps in the empty one, as if there was water, and falls flat and hard on her back

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Credit Default Swapping All My Feelings

Listening to "Pour que tu m'aimes encore" from Celine Dion. I have to admit, I have completely subsidized all my feelings. I never felt such a thing. Artists really feel so I feel. I managed to sell my soul bit by piece. It worked.

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Lowering Remeron

Reading back my 2013 entries, I describe feeling better and better when I lowered remeron from 15mg/d to 7.5mg/d. Things started going downhill after going even lower. Right now I am on remeron 15mg/d and wellbutrin 100mg/d. My goal is to change the remeron dosage to 7.5mg daily and stay there indefinitely. My plan is to take 7.5mg every 7 days for 2 rounds, then every 6 days and so on.

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Dream: Toby Mcguire Is My Brother

I learn that somehow the actor Toby McGuire is my brother. For some reason, I believe this relationship comes from the paternal side of my family only. I start wondering about the possibilities this fact opens up, now that I have connections with Hollywood. Later, I'm in line in a sort of cafeteria. I pass multiple types of food and meals. I pass a chicken submarine on offer, and realize I'm at the end of the line and arrived at the cash register. I don't want to end up with nothing so I order

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Irresponsibility

This unemployment thing is... I'm not sure how to describe. I'm transitioning from student to worker, and it's not going well. I get rejected from everything. My marketable skills are very limited. I was trained to be an academic. That now seems like a terrible mistake. I could go into telemarketing like I did a few times. To me this is very sad. I don't want to become poor. Most jobs require experience or some sort of certification. Most jobs seem like they would make me go crazy after a

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Dream: Spiders

My brother explains to me that the reason my mother died was through a succession of ailments due to venereal diseases. I'm inside the house I grew up in, with my brother. He is naked. He shows me a wall covered with live spiders, and explains to me that they serve as protection from the outside world. Interpretation: My mother's love is toxic in certain aspects. Spiders represent a possessive and overbearing mother. Addendum (11-02-2014): A part of me thought I owed great love for my moth

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Dreams: Sign Language; Pledge Of Allegiance

Dream 1: There is a man standing. He seems in his thirties, has a little bit of a beard. He's saying that he is a libertarian and thinks the government should abolish welfare programs. A woman is standing next to him, wearing jeans, about the same age. She turns to him, smiling, and tells him something in sign language. He replies in perfect sign language that he does not speak sign language. Dream 2: I'm in a park where there are other people. It's a summer day. I decide to lie on the ground

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It's Better To Do A New Mistake Than To Repeat An Old One

Nietzsche: when we are faced with two competing values, we should pick the one which gives us a feeling of power, health, vitality. It could be summed up by the title of one of Alice Miller's books, "The body never lies". There is a sort of affinity with Darwinism. I don't think Darwinism is something bad. After all, roses are the product of Darwinism. But can Darwinism indicate values? No, because you can't know in advance if a value will give an advantage. What Darwinism says is: if all valu

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Doubt

Have been feeling flat all day. Probably because of bad sleep and lack of exercise. I doubt pretty much everyday the path I'm taking: still studying at 30 towards a degree I'll finish at 34 at best and that will lead me who knows where. I don't see any alternative though, nothing that motivates me more. I dropped out at 27, and went back to school after a one year hiatus. I remember pondering if I should resume or not, fighting the desire to go back and then opening the bible at a random page

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Dream: Excavation; Abortion

Part 1: I'm standing in the backyard of a building. In the neighbouring terrain workers are excavating down a tunnel going underground in diagonal. A guy inside an excavator uses the mechanical shovel to go over the fence that separates the terrain I'm in and the neighbour's, and grabs and steals two orange traffic cones that are on my side. In the process he damages them. A supervisor tells him that what he did was wrong. Other construction workers gather around to see what's going on. I tell o

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Dream: Apartment, Ferrari

I live in an apartment. The owner lives next. It's a woman around 50 yo. She has two daughters. Her apartment is tiny, yet she owns a red Ferrari, which baffles me completely. I learn the apartment is not rented under my name, which means I can be evicted anytime, which anguishes me. I look on the internet and my name is written next to the apartment, so I'm not sure anymore if the apartment is under my name or not. Interpretation: I'm not sure if I'm in control of my psyche. I'm baffled by

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Lovecraft & Me

In Lovecraft's short stories, characters get a glimpse of the horror that underlies the universe, such as monstrous and powerful entities, and lose their sanity. I think in my life I witnessed abomination, i.e. neglect, indifference from those who count the most, and have lost my sanity. I feel like life is, at the end of the day, something horrible. I can do really positive things, but whenever I'll take a pause to think, life will seem horrible. Because 1) Life contains horror, and 2) I've

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