I see open doors and invitations I don't want.
Feeling out of place.
I hate when the only opportunities around are ones that lead to things I already did and want to move away from.
Yet I feel like I'm missing out on this past life.
The egg is not hatching.
The baby is not coming out.
It died in the womb.
It is decomposing and poisoning the host.
Whatever state it is in, it needs to come out.
In the meantime I live the vanilla proletariat life.
I'm sending the wrong signals a
As a child I would sometimes imagine what it would be like to be confined inside a block of concrete, within a space having the same shape and volume as me, with tubes connected to the exterior to eat, breath and evacuate waste.
At the time it saw it as a sort of anguishing thought experiment. Now when I look back I think it was a reflection of how I was feeling inside.
A human being maintained and limited to biological existence. Powerless, without any options. Getting out not even conceiva
Part 1: I receive news that I have cancer.
Part 2: Doctors tell me that they removed a vertebra in my lower back. I don't feel any difference except the pain is gone.
Part1: Something, an emotion perhaps, is eating away at me.
Part 2: Positive: Something that was causing pain has been removed from my life. Might refer to a colleague I fell in love with and who is leaving the company.
A knight was mandated by the king to save the princess locked prisoner in an underground network of caves deep within a mountain.
There he fought and slayed countless foul creatures: minotaurs, beholders, goblins, and even a dragon.
Within the last deepest chamber he found the princess. She was hanging by a rope wrapped around her wrists. Underneath her, a pit.
The knight approached the chasm. It was dark with a foul smell. Strange noises were coming from it. Using a torch he cou
One of my dreams for many years was to have a big heartbreak.
I had never had one and felt I was missing out. I knew it was a symptom of my inability to fall in love.
Then it happened. I fell in love. For the first time in two decades. She was not available. There was no possibility. I was, and still am, crushed.
I'm living the dream.
I'm glad I now have the ability to attach myself.
This came with a price.
I found out that the other side of love is loss.
The more you love some
I think my attachment to her reveals how sad my life is, how lonely I am inside.
It shows there are things missing in my life.
What are these things?
This longing for something impossible might be a memory of my childhood desire for love and acceptance.
I'm reenacting the desire to have my parents provide warmth, encouragement, support.
Endless loop of longing for something impossible.
I can't forget her because I must remember what happened when I was a child.
I wish I could take a pill and forget about her.
She's like my default thought and obsession.
Being away from her didn't help.
I feel weaponless.
She got me.
I'm under her hold for god knows how long.
I overcame many things in my life.
This I don't know how to.
I'm in my childhood home with my mom and brother. The neighbor comes in and talks to us with disrespect and intimidates us. There is a feeling of powerlessness and of being under the rule of a tyrant. He goes away. I'm by myself and start a rant and scream at a flat tv that contains pictures. I pretend like I'm talking to my father and denounce how he claims to be so high class and superior, yet treated my mom, brother and I like crap. After I'm done ranting to the tv screen I go away and notice
A squirrel steals something from another one which jumps on the thief's back and clings to it. They are both immobile as the one below won't let go of what it stole, and the one on top won't let go of the thief. I walk by and am astounded that they don't run away. I try to intimidate them by walking closer to them. They turn towards me, still clinging to each other, and they approach me. I get scared of getting fleas from them and go away.
The dream illustrates something I
Russian prisoners who work in a Nazi base learn that their captors plan to **** them even in the case of victory.
They steal cars and manage to leave the base. After 3 days, 3 out of 4 escapees are recaptured and killed.
All throughout the dream I am a spectator and feel like I'm seeing a past event.
I find myself admiring the Russians' courage and ability to engineer an escape attempt.
The dream reflects my childhood and how inhumane emotionally it was. I haven't
I'm in a huge hangar with the singer Maynard. It contains all the garbage that we have thrown away in the past, including food left overs.
There is no odour. For this reason I say it's a good thing the climate is not tropical.
I find a shirt. It's not beautiful, and looks a little wrinkled, yet I encourage Maynard to replace the one he is wearing with it.
He accepts. He doesn't want me to look while he changes, while saying jokingly that he cast spells so that I wouldn't be able to see.
I spent 20 years without having a crush, infatuation or falling in love.
At 16 I had a crush on a girl. Then nothing for two decades.
All these years I was extremely independent to say the least. I had a few relationships, but not one created attachment.
My heart was not available for some reason.
I was an emotional Robinson Crusoe.
I started taking Remeron around 2008. It was very helpful, helped me become active, in combination with a low dose of Wellbutrin.
Last June I felt it
Eating hot-dogs to nourish my soul
Asking for lemons and rejecting mangoes and strawberries
Can I really navigate life? Can I really take care of myself?
I want things and reject opportunities to reach them
I'm a self-hypocrite
I'm completetely disconnected from myself. I can't find my way in life. Nothing is coming together. I don't trust my will and desires. I'm not good at taking care of myself. I seek what is bad for me and reject what is good. I overblow every problem into a tragedy. I'm subjugated by my past, my parents education and society. I don't like where this is leading.
It's so easy for me to be full of sh*t.
Someone will ask my opinion of something, and I'll hide behind banalities, or an overly analytical, forced, homework-style answer, rather than speak with my heart.
To let my heart speak requires I pause for an instant, and feel what's inside of me. First there is a feeling, and speech translates those feelings into words.
Probing my heart is more work, yet the results are more satisfying, and I'm not left with the feeling of being full of sh*t.
There was a time when writing music was fuelled by anger, but the latter has diminished.
Later I wrote music for other people's projects, but I rapidly grew sick of it.
Now I find that writing music is a nerdy activity. It's like programming. Sitting in front of the computer most of the time.
Time spent writing music is time not spent living.
I want to spend time in nature. Not in my room piecing notes together.
I watch a lot of asmr videos on youtube. Especially those centered on care, pampering, healing.
I'm realizing that I have very little of that in real life.
I'm a very independent person, which doesn't help. I don't have a pet and getting one is not an option.
With humans, care often means sex, which is not always what I'm searching for. Maybe I'm not expressing my needs well enough.
Maybe I'm unconsciously rejecting opportunities to receive care.
Maybe if I gave more care to others
Goals that are realistic and achievable:
- Improving my life
- Trying new things
- Meeting new people
- Learning new healthy, fast and easy recipes
- Knowing myself better
- Caring better for myself
- Putting myself first
Today came to a new professional dead-end.
After trying research and teaching, I can now add sound design.
For those that don't know, sound design consists of designing the music and sound effects for film, video games and other media.
I decided on my own that it was time to stop following this path.
There were some red flags along the way. I could feel my psychic energy being drained. The absence of joy at my "accomplishments".
On paper it's a cool job. It requires creativ
Not sure what keeps me going
I have no objectives anymore
I can't stand this feeling of not having a goal, something that could unify my life into a whole
Maybe that's my problem, I fall too easily prey to goals. I latch on to one and invest lots of time energy into it, and 5 years later I realize it's not for me.
Are there other things than goals that can bring fulfillment?
Do 90 years old have goals, besides making it the next day?
Do you need to always have a goal?
I feel like I'm a the end of a cycle.
Everything seems to be repeating. My life has become repetitive.
Everything seems scripted.
I probably need to try new things.
Kind of freaking out about white hair popping more and more. I look 10 years younger by the account of most people I meet, but white hair will make me look my real age. I don't want to enter the routine of dying them. I'd rather try to make peace with it.
Two high school classmates died in the past years. Our cohort will n
Lately I've been feeling very unsatisfied everyday. It's like there was an abscess in my mind that must burst. I feel like something must change but not sure what, like I'm starting a new stage of my life that is not yet well defined.
I feel like nothing is new, nothing excites me, going through the motion.
I'm disappointed with love, professional life. I've considered doing volunteer work to get out of myself. My past volunteer experiences haven't been very satisfying, I don't have very fon
I'm in a university classroom, alone with a math professor. I reminisce about the stuff I learned years ago. I tell him that an interesting question is if the quotient group of an abelian group is abelian. He tells me that the answer is yes. I then think that one should only do graduate studies if there is a particular question that interests the person and finding the answer is a must.
I am tempted to return to childhood. I doubt and lack faith towards myself, when in fac